How I became ".....trapped in a box, help, I'm trapped in a box...." in the cupboard under the stairs for six days is still a mystery but to wile away the time I conceived of a cunning plan to sting a Whist Drive at my local Home For The Terminally Bewildered. Although my Steve McQueen disguise held , unfortunately due to a fluke Jack of Hearts and an incident with Lily and Rosemary, I was almost rumbled, and were it not for breaking my finger in the bra strap of a Filipino care assistant I would have got clean away. At my trial I pleaded guilty and a stern faced member (of the judiciary) sentenced me to three Chinese Burns. That stung I can tell you.
Suitably chastised I decided to restore my reputation with Good Works, but an ill-timed follow through in an Oxfam charity shop left me embarrassed and covered in my own vomit. Ejected onto the pavement I was run over by an elderly fellow on a motability scooter, who had the temerity to reverse over me to finish the job. Luckily I was spotted by my driver and whisked back to Burwood Towers, where under the warm summer sun I steamed gently on the Upper Lawn, and while thinking hard of a Welsh redheaded Breakfast presenter by the shadow cast could mimic a small lighthouse.
The outbreak of war was not good, in fact it was quite bad. Drafted into the kitchens of the 4th Bullingdon Toffs Cavalry I learned of a plan by Lord Mackaroon and his butler, the obsequious and fawning Clegg, to fleece our dear motherland of every spare penny in order to make good his Mephistophelean pact with The Two Horned Usurers of Canary Wharf. Armed only with an office stapler and a toothbrush I rushed headlong into battle, the tension hanging in the air like unforseen halitosis. Bringing the stapler down in a looping arc to fix Clegg's lip to Mackaroon's left buttock, thereby giving Clegg closer access to the origin of all Mackaroon's pronouncements, I left triumphant. The toothbrush was unused.
Next...find out how to retrieve a tv remote control hidden for years under folds of surplus fat, and how to construct a psychological theorem using only an empty cornflake box and some double sided sticky tape....
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