0730: A bedside alarm goes off somewhere in deepest Hampshire. A twitching Cockernee leaps out of bed. "Great" he tells the missus, who is still snoring, "Gor blimey and luv a duck, if it ain't time for me to be the centre of the football world again. Better ring the office to 'av the cheque book ready." Arf an 'our later. 'ee's already on the dog telling his journo mates who 'ee's rumoured to be buying
0745: Spurs linked with Sergio Aguero, Giuseppe Rossi, Fernando Llorente, Mario Gomez, Placido Domingo, Maria Callas and Phil Neville, the latter as Harry Redknapp recognised the name as being vaguely English, as he needs someone who can understand him on the training ground. Harry has forgotten that Neville is from Manchester and has been playing in Scouseland for 6 years, so little chance of that happening.
0901: Spanish sulk Fernando Torres is the subject of a £3 billion bid from Chelsea plus French sulk Nicolas Anelka, and a majority share in a Russian hair gel factory in exchange.
1007: Kenny Dalglish is thinking of spending £1 billion of his windfall on Andy Carroll from Newcastle, but questions the lad's tonsorial misdemeanours. "I cannae be doing wi' this pony tail. Wass wrong wi' a wee perm?" quoth he. The player will actually only cost his true worth, about £8, the rest of the fee is for retaining the services of a top team of lawyers and to pay for advance damage insurance on every nightclub and bar in Liverpool.
1012: David Moyes has sent someone to the corner shop for a packet of Rich Tea biscuits. "Make sure you give me the change" was his witty parting remark.
1045: Fed up with not being in the news for nigh on 3 hours, Arry Redknapp puts in a bid for the whole of the East End along with all transport links from Tottenham to Stratford so that when Spurs take over the Olympic Stadium the fans can get to the ground on privately owned land unhindered by uncouth East Enders temporarily distracted from murder and general amoral swill. The whole concourse will be patrolled by the best heavies Mossad can offer.
1046: Fernando Torres is spotted at a road junction in Sefton sat behind the wheel of his Aston Martin DBS sobbing his eyes out, wet hankies all over place. Our new man in Scouseland, Dicky Keys, says "This outburst may indicate that Torres is ruing his transfer request but it's difficult to tell as this is not unusual behaviour for the gelled gaylord jessie." Keys has since been sacked.
1173: David Moyes stuns the football world by offering Andy Gray £41.56 to come out of retirement and solve The Toffees striker crisis and at a price that they can afford, Cyril Lord. On the credit card anyway. Asked to comment Gray asked our girl Sophie Tightly "What's the totty like up there now darlin'? It weren't half fit in my day. That secretary lass, boy she had some great tits on her I can tell ye. 'Ere luv, tuck this in for me will ye?" On hearing of these ill-advised remarks, Moyes said he was no longer interested as his stiff moral-fibre packed backbone would not be able to take the strain. "We need a new kettle anyway" he said.
1286: What are we doing in 1286? Has football been invented yet?
1303 Modern era: Ah, that's better. Lunch.
1404: Harry Redknapp "Nobody's listening to me. It's like I don't exist. Diego Forlan, that's who I'm in for now. I SAID - DIEGO FORLAN"
1435: Liverpool's offer for Andy Carroll is increased to £1.5 billion. Concerns reported on BBC's rolling deadline day news site about Carroll's thigh being "ship shape" have led to the second oldest club in the city paying to reopen the King's Dock in a classic case of communication breakdown, or fuckwittedness as it's known.
1501: On hearing that Phil Neville can actually tackle Arry Redkness has become seemingly reluctant to put in bid. "Tacklin'?" says Arry. "We'll av none of that 'ere I can tell you". David Moyes has said thay have received no bids for him, and that as a result he's bought the kettle, but needs to go and buy a plug, which may have to wait until next week.
1513: The Grauniad and The Torygraph are both saying that Liverpool's offer of the moon on a stick and several hand jobs for big lummox Andy Carroll has been accepted. Alan Pardew has been admitted to Newcastle General Hospital with severely hurt sides. Seven insurance brokers and fourteen nightclubs in Newcastle have filed for bankruptcy.
1525: Fernando Torres has distorted the space time continuum and has simultaneously been spotted in Liverpool, London. Madrid and Rushden. Clever ruse that, never thought of the Diamonds connection.
1545: Shares in Tower Pies plc have doubled in value with the news that Andy Reid is hot footing it from Sunderland to play for the Tangerines.
1545 1/2: With rumoured deals all proving, as always, to be no more than a weak fart or three, and blubbing into his pie'n'mash, Airy Redknees wonders why no-one will sell him any players "Don't they know oo I am? It's ain't fair. I know I got 87 players in me squad, but 78 of 'em are injured and may never walk again, and the other 9 are all wingers. Even that Moyes geezer, oo I know is on the bones of is arse, won't sell me that ugly right back of 'is. I know I said I didn't want im as he can actually defend, but I'm gettin desperate now. That Gomes fella, ee knows ow to put yer art in yer mouth..oh, ang on I already got im don't I?"
1555: There are rumoured to be problems with Stephen Ireland's medical at Newcastle Utd when it is revealed he is actually a pigeon...
|Bird on the wing|
1604: From the BBC - Everton are possibly almost rumoured and thought to be near to tentatively buying or loaning world famous 19-year-old striker Apostolos Demis Roussos Vellios from Iraklis today. The Greek club confirmed on their website late last week that they had reached agreement with Everton and Moyes enigmatically added: "We are hoping we can bring in a young player from Greece." A football player one hopes - you couldn't make it up!
1612: When asked why nothing, zero, zilch, nada seems to happening with Arsenal transfer wise, M. Arsene Wenger said "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." Touchy!
1625: In a lull in the exciting roller coaster that is deadline day, Opta have released statistics comparing the two stupidly priced strikers currently hogging the headlines. Fernando Torres can hit a cow's arse 23.86% of the time with a banjo, 2.36% of the time with an autoharp, and never with a zither. Andy Caroll is 100% a twat and will provide much needed comedy value at Anfield. His scoring stats are 12.48% with beer, 7.89% with an out and out threat, 3.25% by way of drugs, and an incredible 0.056% by sheer charm.
1648: AFC Wimbledon have bought MK Dons and will now use Stadium:MK as a car park leased to Ikea, and all their players will be sold to the Taliban.
1651: All the above is lies, damned lies. You are all but mere specks in the petri dish of existence. My head has just exPLO..............Nurse, spoons, jibber, dribble, hatstand....
Part two....it's madder!