Gold!

With the Olly Impics not far below the horizon, it's time to suggest some hitherto neglected sports for inclusion, purely in the interests of boosting Team GB's medal haul...


Womens' Bigg Market Double Heptathlon
Team GB lead the world in this exciting new sport. The aim is for each team member to consume 14 bizarrely named cocktails in a pre-allotted time span of choice, the shorter the time span the more points gained, and then attempt to have sex with as many passing policemen as possible in the following half hour without actually getting arrested. Points are deducted for passing out, clothes akimbo, but bonus points can be gained for fighting. Throwing up results in instant disqualification, unless it's on a copper while attempting to have sex. Our five strong team are recruited almost entirely from Newcastle, the one exception being Britney Slosh from Barking.

Just A Minute
Mixed teams of four chavs compete against each other over four rounds of a minute a time wherein they have to cram as much street argot as possible, like, including the phrases "it was like", "I was like" and "you were like" and just "like" at least twice each. The winner is the team that can pull off this grammatical spew without any hesitations or including any fully formed sentences. The French are crap at this, like. Most of our team, like, come from Watford, like.

Blatant Hypocrisy
One for the middle-aged this one. You do not have to be a politician in order to compete, but it certainly helps. The aim of the contest is to justify something completely untenable while maintaining a totally sincere visage at all times. Bonus points awarded if the proposition being justified goes against your perceived core principals, or is simply a barefaced lie. Team GB's main rivals for gold in this stupefyingly predictable sport are the USA, but we have been catching up fast over the past 30 years. Expect a nail biting finish. All our team went to Eton, including the girls.

Squash
A ludicrous name for sport I know, but bear with me. Lock two contestants dressed in tennis attire in a small room and get them to hit a bullet hard piece of galvanized rubber at one another using undersized tennis rackets and hitting the pellet as hard as they can against any of the walls or indeed, the ceiling or the floor. Last man or woman standing wins, or somesuch. Apparently used to be an Olympic sport, but was delisted because of its sheer preposterousness. I'm told we're quite good at this, but not as good as the Indians....oh well, nice try.

Rugby
Oh hang on, we're not very good at this are we?

That's enough storp for now, I'm going for a jog.