Not The Six (or Ten) O'Clock News

Both of you may be wondering how long it would take before I had a proper moan about the Ollyimpics. Well, it's now Day 4 so I reckon I've lasted quite well. Actually I quite like the idea that the world, and no doubt a fair few of the wives too, is watching GB for once. The opening ceremony, bizarre and slightly surreal as it was filled us all with pride in our nation...well, until Macca came on anyway, and luckily the rest of the world could not hear Trevor Nelson. And being a sports fan I can appreciate all the weird and wonderful pastimes we are now being subjected to; it's probably no surprise that Russia won the Freestyle Shaving gold.

So, what's getting my goat you may well ask? It's the BBC, that's wot. OK, it's great that the thing is here but do we really need 715-odd hours of coverage every effin day across three channels (five if you count the two under the red button)? Not content with their completely OTT coverage which has turned BBC 1 into a sports-only channel for the duration, the bloody thing has infiltrated BBC "News" to the extent that any proper current affairs reporting is relegated to the last ten minutes, which at this time of year is usually reserved for tales of cats returning home after seventeen years away on a world tour, or tales of potatoes that look like Boris Johnson. I mean, what is the point of telling the nation as a news headline that Tom Daley and Peter Waterfield (bet you had both already forgetten him!) came fourth in the synchronised water bombing when we had already been subjected to it endlessly for the last two hours on BBC Sprot...sorry, 1? This is then followed by further endless reports from the Ollyimpic Park and elsewhere of "news" we already knew about. How is it that a non-story on empty seats at venues takes precedence over the Syrian war or the Eurozone crisis? Looks like I'll be heading to Channel 4, Britain's most arid news channel or TV's equivalent of The Independent for my daily fix of real news then; as ITN, which used to present a good programme, is now little more than our very own version of Fox News, and Channel 5 News is just some bird with pert tits reading the headlines for 5 seconds. Sky News? No chance, matey!

And another thing....because BBC 1 is wall-to-wall Ollyimpics their evening big ratings programmes are starting to appear on BBC 2. Settling down to be utterly bamboozled by the esoteric and marvy University Challenge last night I was instead confronted with the godawful vision of cockernee dystopia that is East Bleedin' Enders fer chrissakes.

So, yes, I'm already fed up with the BBC but not necessarily the Ollyimpics themselves. From a purely sporting perspective I wonder what odds you could get on Team GB not winning a single gold medal? We have had a bit of an underwhelming start after all the hype about how we were going to eclipse our hitherto unheard of medals tally (modern era) in Beijing. We will no doubt win a few glittering prizes at bicycling and we have some good rowists who will probably add to the tally, and "Blimey, she's big" Rebecca Adlington or Jessica Ennis may yet bring it on home so the odds should be pretty long...just asking!
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Ollyimpic Footnote - would it not be more entertaining if the Beeb let Trevor Nelson do all the commentating? I can hear it now "...and here comes Usain Bolt in a nice green and yellow top...I had a top once, when I was a kid...a spinning top... it wasn't green...or yellow...oh, he's won."

Or perhaps all commentators should be required to drop a few tabs before picking up the microphone: And now, over to Claire Balding at the Horsing About  ".....Aaaargggh, they're all riding seahorses...whip me daddy-o..."

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If you take a Viagra and it gets stuck in your throat, do you get a stiff neck for the next 12 hours?
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Finally, finally....All I can say in my defence is it was night time, it was covered in a thick layer of green slime that in the dark looked like more lawn. If this confuses you, read the ante-penultimate paragraph of Phill's blog, or the whole lot if you want a really grim tale!