tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88694479995011600492024-03-19T05:06:13.763+00:00BrouhahaAn occasional series of rants, nonsense, reviews, fandom, and flying off at surreal tangents...Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.comBlogger238125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-9534537669966572802018-07-29T17:12:00.003+01:002018-07-30T16:40:52.834+01:002018/19 Premier League football predictions<div>
A new football season beckons, rising in a vista of hope, only to be crushed by the jackboot of despondency. Well, if you're an Everton fan at any rate. Actually, the hope is a little less ecstatic than this time last year, so at least the onset of despondency will be easier to take. Pass the happy pills, nurse, I'm going in...</div>
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2018/19 will see more insane transfer prices and obscene wages for the top players, while my local team Northampton Town teeters on the verge of collapse, stymied by allegedly corrupt former owners and and a brazenly incompetent local council, the latest owner is thiscloseto walking away in frustration. Ho-hum.</div>
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Anyway, this time of year Phil and I make fools of ourselves with our annual predictions. His bollocks can be found after my bollocks<a href="https://sacksofballs.blogspot.com/2018/07/the-201819-predictions.html"></a>. Last season I was spectacularly wide of the mark, reckoning that Chelsea would retain their title! So, settle in for more hilariously myopic crystal ball gazing...</div>
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<b>Arsenal:</b> Unai Emery sounds abrasive and vaguely anal. I know or care little about what the Arse have been up to this close season. They have become the West Brom of the top half of the table, consistent, occasionally entertaining, but completely predictable. OK, West Brom aren't in the PL any more, but yer know worramean?! Expect a cup win, and little change in their league position.</div>
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<b>AFC Bournemouth: </b>Eddie Howe - a lot of Evertonians wanted him as Martinez' and then Koeman's replacement, and he had to be a better bet than Fat Sam, eh? The question is how long can he and his team keep it up? I reckon this time round they will need the football equivalent of a packet of blue pills to stay up. If Howe has been poached by Xmas, then expect a relegation battle which they might lose. Otherwise, a relegation battle they might win.</div>
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<b>Brighton & Hove Albion</b>: Quite near Bournemouth, but not as good. Straight back down again.</div>
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<b>Burnley:</b> Sean Dyche looks like a low achieving pugilist. His bunch of scrappers will be in a battle for 7th/8th with my lot. We're quite flaky, so I expect to lose, but the dreaded burden of hope makes me predict otherwise.</div>
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<b>Cardiff City:</b> Hail the return of Colin Wanker! What were his parents Dan Bhoj and Rosi Ticl thinking? At least they're back to playing in blue. Another club with a barking and seemingly clueless foreign owner. The bottom half of the PL is full of relegation candidates with nowt between them, and this lot are one of them.</div>
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<b>Chelsea:</b> By the time you read this they might have sold Courtois to Real Madrid and bought Pickford from us. Even though Man City epitomise the unlevel playing field of modern football, somehow, it's still Chelsea everyone hates. If they buy Pickford I hope they implode under a huge tax fraud case involving the Russian mafia, and sex trafficking, the utter utter bastards. If not...meh...6th</div>
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<b>Crystal Palace:</b> Woy did quite well with them last time. If they sell Zaha to Spurs or anyone else, as is likely, they could be in big trouble, otherwise solid upper mid-table.</div>
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<b>Fulham: </b>This flaky bunch of west Lahndan chancers have an owner even madder than Vincent Tan, and even more unlikable than Ambramovich. Buy Wembley?! Wtf?! For that alone they deserve to fail, badly.</div>
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<b>Huddersfield Town:</b> I know absolutely nowt about this lot. Oh yeah...David Wagner, a sort of saner version of Klopp. Will probably win the title. Or finish bottom. In that case, 17th.</div>
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<b>Liverpool:</b> It's their year! Unfortunately this time a lot of pundits and journos agree with the fans' annual deluded nonsense, and sadly they might just be right. Added to that this may be Klopp's last chance before he gets poached by Bayern Munich. On the other hand, Citeh could win it in their sleep at the moment, so 2nd, probably...hopefully.</div>
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<b>Leicester City:</b> Their fans still haven't stopped smiling, and who can blame them? Can't see anything vastly different from last season to be honest. Then again, Vardy isn't getting any younger and they've lost Mahrez, so this could be the start of a slow slide back down the table. That prediction probably means they'll win it again.</div>
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<b>Manchester City:</b> Money, money, money, it's a rich man's world. 1st, obviously.</div>
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<b>Manchester Utd:</b> By some distance, the dullest team in the top six. Even when he was winning stuff with Chelsea, Maureen had the demeanour of a bloke who hates his job, now he just looks like someone who can't wait to retire. I know the feeling. Wake me up before you go go, Maureen.</div>
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<b>Newcastle Utd:</b> There is a sizeable minority of Everton fans who, every time we change mangers recently want the FSW as our boss. They can fuck right off, have they no memory? Anyway, like Phil said, how is he still at Newcastle? Come to that how is that cockney sportswear spiv still their owner? More mid-table fodder, unless Benitez finally does get poached, in which case, yet another relegation prospect.</div>
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<b>Southampton:</b> Meh...wherever they finish, it will be next to Newcastle in the table.</div>
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<b>Tottenham Hotspur:</b> They've just played in virtually every game in the World Cup so they'll be asleep for a few weeks, and then disorientated by their move 50 yards down the road. Expect Harry Hotspur to get lost, looking for the new way in, not being the sharpest pin in the box. Like Phil I thought Wemberlee would be their undoing last season, but I was wrong, as per normal. For the first time I can remember, Spuds have a resilience about them, and actually don't look flaky. Except when they play Chelsea, obviously. Will lose to Chelsea twice, but slug it out with Liverpool for 2nd, and hopefully win, but I doubt it somehow. Third.</div>
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<b>Watford:</b> My dad's team, so I've always had a soft spot for them. Right now they are an advert for how not to run a football club. Will struggle, badly.</div>
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<b>West Ham Utd: </b>A horrible team, led by a likeable wily old fox. Unlike Spurs, the wide open spaces of their new ground is causing them big problems, and probably still will this time. Mid table fodder.</div>
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<b>Wolverhampton Wanderers:</b> I used to like the 70s Wolves starring Derek Dougan, and their weirdly designed main stand. I know nothing about them now, nor does anyone else it seems. Therefore, they will do best of all the promoted teams. Mid table.</div>
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<b>Everton:</b> Like all clubs we have a sizeable number of idiots in our fanbase. This time, they wanted Marco Silva sacked for losing a couple of pre-season friendlies with our team of misfiring misfits, plus Richarlison. These people are so short sighted they probably hold each other's dicks in the loos at Goodison and don't notice.</div>
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Silva wasn't my first choice, but he's got my support as he has of any fan with two braincells to spark off. A bit of an unknown quantity he's not been at any club long enough to really judge, so we'll see. The best signing we've made as I write this on 29th July, is Marcel Brands as director of football from PSV, a bloke who so far has said all the right things, and in Richarlison bought someone who may be able to change a game. However what we really need is a centre back to partner Keane, who will be a great footballing defender, given the same partner for more than one game in a row, and a left back. Jags and Baines are both getting well past their sell bys, and Williams is just fucking awful. I suspect we can't give him away, so perhaps it's best to have him shot and turned into glue to hold Woodison Park together for another year while we wait for the mythical new ground to start appearing, mirage-like at Bramley Dock. I won't be holding my breath.</div>
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It will take three or four transfer windows to sort our mess out, so yet another forgettable season beckons. Frankly, all I want this year is to avoid relegation and win a cup, as it will be 24 long years since we last won a pot at the end of this coming season!</div>
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<b>Final table:</b></div>
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Man City</div>
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Liverpool</div>
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Tottenham</div>
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Arsenal</div>
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Chelsea</div>
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Man Utd</div>
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Everton</div>
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Burnley</div>
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Crystal Palace </div>
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Leicester</div>
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Wolves</div>
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Newcastle</div>
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Southampton</div>
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West Ham</div>
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Bournemouth</div>
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Fulham</div>
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Huddersfield</div>
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Watford</div>
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Brighton</div>
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Cardiff</div>
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<b>FA Cup:</b> Arsenal</div>
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<b>League Cup:</b> Everton (sigh...)</div>
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<b>Chumps League:</b> Boris Johnson</div>
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<b>Cobblers: </b>Last day survival, both in a footballing and fiscal sense </div>
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<b>First managerial casualty: </b>Whoever's in charge at Watford<br />
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...and here's me good mate Phil's take on this strange game of no chance:<br />
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Football, eh? Fuck me we could all do with a break from it...<br /><br />For well over 10 years, Roger and I have done our annual Premier League forecast. I spent an hour looking at previous predictions and have to declare that we've always been better than 60% correct, with one or two notable embarrassments. Leicester to narrowly escape relegation the year they won it. QPR to be mid-table every time they got back in the top flight. Both were far more crazy than the seemingly mad forecast that Spurs would win the league (they finished 2nd) or that Everton would win the League Cup almost every year (they never have).<br /><br />This year we are blessed with a Premier League without either West Brom or Stoke City who both of us have wished to be relegated for yonks (yet I don't recall either of us forecasting their demise the year they went down). There are more obvious candidates for the bottom five than the top five, but as last season proved, promoted teams are no longer the most vulnerable.<br /><br />There is also the simple fact that with the exception of a few clubs, there's barely been any transfer business of note, which means a lot could change in the next 10 days, although quite how much immediate impact any new signing is going to have is negligible now.<br /><br />Here are my predictions for the coming season; Roger's will either follow mine or be before mine, depending on which blog this is posted on. <br /><br />Arsenal: Like Arsene Wenger, Unai Emery sounds like some vaguely bottom related ailment. The former PSG manager inherits a stagnant team needing something new to focus on. Another season in Thursday night hell will do them no favours and it's whether they have enough quality players to sustain a challenge for the top 4 that is of the biggest concern. Emery won't make many friends but he won't do bad enough to get sacked. They will take all cup competitions seriously as their only real silverware chances.<br /><br /><b>Bournemouth:</b> Is Eddie Howe the new Messiah? Well, he has more technical nous than Gareth Waistcoatgate. The problem is Bournemouth are punching above their weight and all they can realistically hope for is a campaign where they're never too close to the drop. Tough season where they need some of their 'investments' to stand up to their potential.<br /><br /><b>Brighton:</b> In an alternative reality Chris Hughton eventually becomes the manager of Tottenham. In our reality this is unlikely to happen despite him being an excellent and under rated manager. This season he's going to need a lot of grit and determination from his players because, quite simply 18 other teams have more quality.<br /><br /><b>Burnley:</b> It's the Europa League wot did it for them. How Sean Dyche hasn't been coaxed by a 'bigger' club is a mystery, apart from the fact he just doesn't fit the modern manager role. He's a modern-day Sam Allardyce and the chances are he'd fail at another club and his stock as a tactician would fall. Burnley will be happy with group stages of Europa, mid table and a cup semi - they might get them all.<br /><br /><b>Cardiff:</b> Does the anagram of Colin Wanker have it in him, at his age, to be a proper Premier league manager or will the Welshmen crash and burn, again? I can't see them putting up a fight. The Spaniard who was at Swansea and Sheffield Wednesday will be in by Christmas.<br /><br /><b>Chelsea:</b> The last time they had a new Italian manager I said they'd finish 6th and they won it. Like Arsenal, they are a club in a decline cycle, the new manager will be good for moral and form, but ultimately they won't be a team like others and will struggle again to break the top 4.<br /><br /><b>Crystal Palace:</b> Here's a weird one. Based on form and other irrelevant statistics, some computer came up with a prediction that Palace were capable of a top three finish. I'm not agreeing with that computer, but I get the feeling this team under a rejuvenated Woy Hodgson won't be struggling this season.<br /><br /><b>Everton:</b> Will the new manager turn this usually guaranteed top 7 team into a top 7 team? Will they win the League Cup? One of the season's mysteries because a) is the manager actually any good? b) do they have the players and have they bought anyone in that can change games? And c) Even if they can are they better than at least three of the six sides above them? Sorry Rog, but no.<br /><br /><b>Fulham:</b> Puzzle time. This season's QPR? I've always had a soft spot for Fulham; nice ground, mad owners, some great players and with a manager who oversees a game as madly as he played, you can expect the unexpected from this team. Watch Ryan Sessignan; he'll be worth a lot of money soon.<br /><br /><b>Huddersfield:</b> Seriously doomed without better quality. I can't see them having the resilience of Bournemouth and even though their manager is a really capable future star, this will likely be their EPL exit.<br /><br /><b>Liverpool:</b> Say it with hilarity in your voice - this lot are the proper pundits' tip to beat Man City to the title. On paper they've filled in most of the cracks by doing a lot of their transfer work while others were pondering the world cup. Even more so than when the FSW or Brenda were in charge, there is an expectation this could be the year Klopp beats Pep, but I feel Liverpool, like Spurs, have forgotten how to win the most important matches and most fans of most other clubs would simply be excited at the prospect of a great season. However, the weight of Liverpool fans' is often too much for the players to burden themselves with.<br /><br /><b>Leicester:</b> Obviously, they'll never hit the heights they did, but now they are also no longer regarded as relegation fodder. This is a big season for the former Champions and they will want a top 7 finish to maybe give them some more Europe the season after next. This is a club with some money and you can't fault their ambition, but losing Mahrez, their most creative player, will need to be addressed.<br /><br /><b>Man City:</b> Honestly? You can't really see anyone else really challenging. If Citeh play to 75% of what they did last season they'd still win the league, despite whatever improvements there have been elsewhere. I'd love to see Pep throw all of the money and grandeur away and take on the job of managing Northampton Town for 3 years on £100k a year transfer budget. Then I'd acknowledge he's a brilliant manager, but while he has bottomless resources to essentially buy whomever he wants wherever it is difficult to see anyone else really giving this team a run for their money for the next three years.<br /><br /><b>Man Utd:</b> I seriously expect this team to have moments of extreme embarrassment this season. I have a feeling that Jose won't last the course, essentially because I don't think he has the passion for it any more and he would have preferred to have managed Man U when they were very good. It is no longer a pre-requisite to play for Man U if you're a world class footballer and only this team's quality will ensure they get anything from what could be Mourinho's last season in football management.<br /><br /><b>Newcastle:</b> Why is the FSW still there? With no money and an owner who actually is a Spurs fan, I can't see Newcastle being anything other than the new Stoke. They have two or three good players who will want a better season or they'll be at bigger clubs in January.<br /><br /><b>Southampton:</b> The new West Brom? Mark Hughes is competent at best and is one of that list of managers who always get offered jobs when they get sacked for being shit at their last job. I wish I could be a football manager for a few weeks... As for the south coast side? I expect a long tough season, slightly less fraught than last year.<br /><br /><b>Watford:</b> Who is their manager this week? Won't finish in the top 10, this year, next year or in 2050. Have less chance of success than Elton John has of having a #1 hit while singing naked up to his groin in a sheep.<br /><br /><b>West Ham:</b> The wife and brother-in-law's team and one I have always had a soft spot for despite Whammers' hating Spurs like we were the paedo that stole their children. I never like seeing them get relegated, but I hate playing them and they're often more up for beating Spurs than the Arse. Pellegrino is a remarkably astute signing, but this is going to be a year of general rebuilding.<br /><br /><b>Wolves:</b> This season's proper mystery. They have a manager reasonably unknown but sounding like a fancy Spanish dish in a Michelin-starred restaurant who appears to love the Portuguese (cos he is one) and have turned Wolves into a real dark horse for complete survival. Many people of my age and older will look at Wolves in the top flight and think that an order has been restored, but I've always disliked the team, so I want to change my mind.<br /><br /><b>Tottenham:</b> I was so wrong about playing at Wembley and I was so glad I was wrong. I really thought Spurs would struggle to finish in the top 6 with Wembley as a millstone and another tough Champions League campaign. In September, Spurs move into New White Hart Lane (and play Liverpool, so a nice easy start) before that they have three away matches and a 'home' game at Wembley against Fulham. It's a bitty start, just the kind of thing a team that notoriously screws up any chance they have of genuinely challenging for a title by having crap starts to the season. Plus, you have to factor in the unbelievably massive work that Daniel Levy has done in the transfer market. So far, with August 1st just round the corner (and a deadline that closes on the 9th), Spurs have signed exactly 0 players.They have at least 13 players still on holiday after world cup exertions and while it gives the B team a chance to shine, Spurs could have a bench that resembles the local nursery school for August.<br />The 'Spurs' fan in me, looks at all the inactivity, all the lack of real depth, at the new shiny stadium that needs to be a fortress and all the seemingly hollow bullshit from the manager about concluding business early and getting the squad right and I really worry about this season. However, the optimist in me is weighing up the factors against the team last season and how well they did considering and I have to think that Spurs are no longer a team that buckles at adversity. For the fringe players there has never been a better opportunity (even if these include Sissoko, Llorente and a few others who you'd be hard pressed to get excited about) to establish themselves over the 1st team. I expect a high finish more because of others failure to be consistent rather than us ever really challenging.<br /><br /><b>Final Table:</b><br />Man City <br />Tottenham <br />Liverpool <br />Chelsea<br />Man U<br />Arsenal <br />Crystal Palace <br />Everton<br />Leicester <br />Fulham<br />Burnley<br />West Ham<br />Wolves<br />Newcastle<br />Southampton <br />Bournemouth <br />Watford <br />Brighton <br />Cardiff <br />Huddersfield <br /><br /><b>FA Cup winners: </b>Man City<br /><b>League Cup winners:</b> Liverpool<br /><b>European Champions League winners:</b> Sligo Rovers<br /><b>Cobblers?:</b> Play-offs<br /><b>1st Manager sacked:</b> Claude Puel </div>
Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-35155697142022737902017-05-22T10:18:00.000+01:002017-05-22T13:43:45.876+01:00Gobble, gobble...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I wonder how many more times Treeza can get away with attacking the
Tories' natural constituency before they actually open their dim rheumy
eyes and finally realise they're being taking for a ride?<br />
<br />
First
we had the Gideon's Dividend Tax, the biggest single tax hike on small
business owners in my lifetime, and now....introducing...the Dementia
Tax, the most socialist piece of tax planning since the days of Harold
Wilson.<br />
<br />
Think about it - where are houses priced at the
most ridiculous levels in this country? That's right London and the
South. The residents of those homes are also the most likely to vote
Tory anywhere in the UK. The Tories are saying that should those
residents be unfortunate enough to need care, either in a home or at
home, then all but £100K of the value of their home will be taken into
account when paying for it.<br />
<br />
Finchley semi-detached house
owner Mr Smith, whose wife sadly passed on three years ago finds he
needs care, and Finchley council take £650K of the utterly stupid £750K his house is
"worth" into account. Mr Jones in a similar situation in an ex-mining
village outside Doncaster has all of £50K of his identical house, worth
£150K taken into account by Doncaster council. Ergo the "rich" (on paper
at least) houseowner loses 86% of his house value, while the "poor" home
owner loses a mere 33%. Socialism in action, in the distorted view of
your average blinkered Tory, at any rate.<br />
<br />
As ever, the
party who reckon they're the ones to be trusted with the economy, you
know, the same party who have accrued more debt since 2010 than all
previous Labour governments combined, have not thought this through. One
hopes that the fine print of this draconian and avoidable pernicious
tax takes into account that in my little scenario above, Doncaster
council are getting £600K less than Finchley council for the same
provision of care. Either a future Tory government takes social care
back into government hands, which is unlikely, or it distributes the
funds fairly, in this case moves £300K from Finchley to Doncaster
council. More likely, those living in the affluent South will get a far better standard of care in their dotage, and sod the rest of us.<br />
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If Corbyn's Labour Manifesto had included a policy along these lines, the media would have ripped him apart like rabid vultures for its blatant inequity and for not explaining it properly. Is too much to ask for similar scrutiny from journos in this case? That's a rhetorical question, by the way. <br />
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Sadly, there will still be more than enough
turkeys voting for Xmas from the older generation to ensure a thumping
Tory majority. We are all going to die...and our offspring are going to
pay for it by having their inheritance taken away.<br />
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Update 12:50pm 22/5/17: In the inevitable first sign of backtracking from Weak & Wobbly Treeza, she is now hinting at an as yet unspecified cap on costs taken from house values towards care. This may mean that our friend from Finchley will "only" have his estate fork out £500K instead of £650K...possibly. So that's OK then...Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-11274163069188278042017-05-17T10:08:00.001+01:002017-05-17T16:46:41.482+01:00A little more to the right, if you please...Message to BBC Points of View, Wednesday 17th May 2017:<br />
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I am writing to complain at the ongoing and plainly obvious political bias of the BBC's political news reporting team. From James Harding, the Director of News and Current Affairs down, a distinct bias towards the Tories is seen on all the main news bulletins. To be fair, whoever they appoint at the top is going to have a political sympathy, but the BBC's much vaunted impartiality brief surely dictates that the reporters and editors Mr Harding employs have views across the political spectrum? This certainly does not seem to be the case at the moment. We all know about Laura Kuenssberg, who has been called "David Cameron's Attack Dog", among far less kind epithets, but it does not end there, oh no.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Photoshopped words, etc, are not mine by the way, but sum it up neatly!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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The biscuit was taken on the day of Labour's manifesto launch, when on the main early evening news bulletin Business Editor Kamal Ahmed presented a frankly ludicrous graphic that appeared to suggest that someone earning £123000 a year would suffer an additional tax burden of £23000 under Labour's planned tax hike for higher earners. Even the most mathematically challenged among the audience must have suspected something didn't add up!<br />
<br />
For your viewers' information, the actual figure of extra tax raised in this scenario under Labour's plan, assuming the basic rate of tax and the bands and allowances remain unchanged is £2150. A bit of a difference! Walking to work today I calculated in my head (and confirmed it on a spreadsheet later), that in order to suffer extra tax of £23000 under Labour's plan, one would have to earn a whopping £513000. I never thought the BBC would stoop to fake news, but these are strange times indeed.<br />
<br />
If I very grudgingly accept that this graphic was a simple mistake, which will no doubt be your explanation, then a retraction including the correct figures should be made at the same time on the main late evening news bulletin. I won't be holding my breath.<br />
<br />
Finally, I would point out that I am not and never have been a member of the Labour Party.<br />
<br />
Yours, Dismayed...see wot I did there? :)<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
An edited version of this is on its way to BBC Points of View, not that it will do any good. Those of you inclined to send a similar missive, follow this link:<br />
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<a href="https://ssl.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006mysv/contact">https://ssl.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006mysv/contact</a><br />
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<br />
<br />Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-68387733503549654332016-07-27T18:56:00.001+01:002016-07-27T19:02:07.872+01:00Exploding Tumescent Inevitable!There, that got your attention...now read this, reposted from somewhere a mere two hundred yards as the buzzard flies from my front door:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Every year my good, dear friend Roger and I become pundits and forecast the forthcoming football season and we put it up on our joint sports blog called Sports Discuss - which, in Internet terms, was as popular as someone's soiled underpants. Abandoning that idea, we're going to publish this jointly through our own blogs, for exposure more than anything else.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">We were once known as The Wippo Brothers & Clive.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">***</span><br />
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As is now well known, my predictions come from Missed It Meg, the most unreliable wizard in the universe, and a seer whose stygmatism inflicted second sight peers myopically through bottle-bottom thick glasses. Meg's predictions are to reliability what the Labour Party is to credible opposition politics, or, if I have to spell it out, a fucking shambles...so, here goes:</div>
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<b>AFC Bournemouth</b></div>
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Will veer between 11th and 17th and could finish anywhere in that range. Already there have been seven unspectacular additions to the squad, replacing six leavers and this will mean they will remain the Premier League's yo-yo team, up and down like the Assyrian Empire. I predict they will beat Spurs at home.</div>
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<b>Arsenal</b></div>
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As a Toffee it is always galling listening to the interminable moaning of Gooners, but I can grudgingly understand their grouching given the unspent zillions under Arsene's mattress. About time the craggy old Frenchy retired methinks, or is it Wenger's plan to peg it in the dug out? They'll do enough to scrape 4th as ever, having at some point been top and looking unbeatable. Plus ca change...</div>
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<b>Burnley</b></div>
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I know as much about Burnley than I do about lathe maintenance. Bottom, I reckon...which probably means Europa League qualification beckons. Will draw with Spurs at WHL.</div>
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<b>Chelsea</b></div>
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Blimey, that Kunte Kante fella makes Jose look reserved, does he not? Have already spent over £60m of loose change on two new players, expect more to come, who with the gesticulating bloke should probably take a while to bed in. 2nd or 3rd.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Crystal Palace</b></div>
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A sort of classier version of Stoke, occasionally a bit mad, just like their manager. Will hover round the Useless League places.</div>
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<b>Everton</b></div>
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I was going to hold off writing this prediction thing until we had actually bought someone, but given our track record that would mean the season would be a week old already. Even with Moshiri's wallet on board it seems we have been a bit slow off the mark, the only purchase so far being Leicester's director of football. An offer has been made for Alex Witsel who is mulling over a £100K a week contract. Ho-hum.</div>
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Koeman was the guy I wanted, but then so was Martinez, so who knows what will happen.<br />
The obvious key to any improvement is keeping hold of Lukaku, and to a lesser extent, Barkley and Stones. Never a dull moment at The Old Lady since Moyes left, for sure. We can't do any worse than last season, so I'll go for 6th and a cup!</div>
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<b>Hull</b></div>
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With no Barcodes to keep us entertained this season, 'Ull are making an early bid for the title of the Premier League Comedy Club. What an omnishables! Down, down deeper and down...</div>
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<b>Leicester</b></div>
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My prediction for the Foxes last season, like most, was waaay off, but at least I didn't predict them to go down. Surely there's no way they can repeat last season's miracle? I reckon upper mid-table. Right, I'm off to put a tenner on them being Champions again...</div>
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<b>Liverpool</b></div>
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Klippety is the first likeable manager the Shite have had since Houlier, and he's now forging them into his own team, with 13 (!) departures and 6 additions so far. With no Euro distractions, I'm rather scared they'll do a bit too well for my liking. Only thing stopping them is the new team bedding in. Top four likely. :(</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Man City</b></div>
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The team who on paper should win it every year. The key word is "team", which they seldom resemble. Is "The World's Best Manager" the man who can get them playing like they recognise each other? Hands off Lukaku or Stones, ye over-monied entitled fuckers...</div>
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<b>Man Utd</b></div>
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There was an early and strong rumour that The Special One would actually take up a proper challenge (my lot), but unsurprisingly he plumped for the bottomless loaned wealth of the red half of Manchester. Like their neighbours they have been very quiet in the transfer market so far, so...hands off Lukaku or Stones, ye over-monied entitled fuckers...</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469626796595_2114">Middlesbrough</b></div>
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A similar amount of transfer activity to Bournemouth, but unlike The Cherries they do not have a year's experience behind them. Will hover around the drop zone all year, but may survive.</div>
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<b>Southampton</b></div>
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They can't keep rebuilding and thriving each season, surely? Summat has to give. Another hard one to call. Mid table anonymity along with...</div>
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<b>Stoke</b></div>
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...and</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469626796595_2165">Sunderland</b></div>
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You can tell I've had enough of this, can't you?</div>
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<b>Swansea</b></div>
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Just been bought by a Yank, apparently. Good track record, Yanks owning football clubs, eh? Will scrap it out with the other three teams beginning with S for 12th.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469626796595_2218">Tottenham Hotspur</b></div>
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A great name that sounds like it came out of a boys comic, and a team who veer between brilliant and scared of their own shadows. The loss to Bournemouth and the home draw against Burnley will be what ultimately costs them the title. At least they'll finish above Arsenal at last.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Watford</b></div>
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Goodbye, Vicarage Road... ;)</div>
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<b>West Ham</b></div>
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An almost brand spanking new and virtually free new ground (the bastards), a good manager and a good squad. What could possibly go wrong? Everything, probably, knowing The Hammers.<b><br /></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469626796595_2247">West Brom</b></div>
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I thought I'd finished this thing then realised I hadn't mentioned The Baggies...in the mix with the "Esses".</div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="yiv3302824936gmail_default" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469626796595_2274" style="background-color: white; color: #3333ff; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: 18.2px;">
<b>The Table:</b></div>
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<span style="color: red;">1. Citeh</span></div>
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2. Spurs</div>
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3. Liverpool</div>
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4. Arsenal</div>
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5. Man Utd</div>
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6. Chelsea</div>
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7. Everton</div>
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8. Leicester</div>
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9. Crystal Palace</div>
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10. West Ham</div>
<div class="yiv3302824936gmail_default" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469626796595_2282" style="background-color: white; color: #3333ff; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: 18.2px;">
11. Southampton</div>
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12. Sunderland</div>
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13. Stoke</div>
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14. West Brom</div>
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15. Swansea</div>
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16. Bournemouth</div>
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17. Middlesbrough</div>
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<span style="color: orange;">18. Burnley</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange;">19. Watford</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange;">20. Hull</span><br />
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League Cup: Everton</div>
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FA Cup: Everton</div>
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Champions League: Not Everton</div>
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Useless League: Paraguay</div>
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****</div>
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And I, for once, am rather more measured (with a surreal caveat)...</div>
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I can't remember an impending football season with so much uncertainty about it, yet if you read the columns and listen to the early shots from the pundits you'd think it was already shaping up to be the same old same old. I don't think it will be as predictable as the experts think. For a start two new teams in the Champions League; Man Utd in the Europa Cup and a host of new managers, new players and new grounds.</div>
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Oh and for the first time since I've been doing this (must be 10 years now), you'll have to wait until the end to find out my positional predictions.</div>
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<b id="yiv7341404707yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469568021364_8085">AFC Bournemouth</b>: The problem for Eddie Howe's men is the other big problem that hounds the unexpected survivor of an almost certain relegation - Second Season Syndrome. The Cherries appear to have spent interestingly without really raising any eyebrows. The key to a second consecutive survival battle is not just who is worse but also how they improve on some excellent results last season. It's going to be tough.<b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Possum</i></div>
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469626796595_2854">Arsenal</b>: One thing you'd be silly to do is write off Arsenal as a serious top 4 contender, but if you hear some of the pre-season banter from Arsenal fans on the radio you'd think their season was over already. It would appear the lack of investment and new players has again mightily pissed off the fans, who argue, quite rightly at times, that if their team could only scrape into 2nd in a supposedly woefully inferior last season, surely some investment is needed to ensure they don't go backwards. I think they might start to go backwards, especially if injuries hit them hard early on. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Wildebeest</i></div>
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<b>Burnley</b>: I really can't see this being a season with any real high points. They are not going to do a Leicester and might find themselves way off the pace from almost the word go. Will win friends and play some good football, but it just won't ever be enough. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>rabbit</i></div>
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<b>Chelsea</b>: With no European participation, a slew of new recruits (and more on the way) and a little more than just their pride at stake, I expect a faltering season from the former champions, but only because it will take Conte - the new man - a few months to get it right. The success of teams around them in Europe could dictate the final standings at the end of the season. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Pike</i></div>
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<b>Crystal Palace</b>: Have been nothing but ambitious in transfers and targets and will fancy their chances if they hit a rich vein of form - which they are capable of, especially at home. Will be tough to beat this year and Pardew will have learnt from the second half of last season. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Bald eagle</i></div>
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<b>Everton</b>: One of the real puzzles in this year's league battle. Ronald Koeman didn't so much transform Southampton as do what you'd expect a manager to do when he follows someone who has shown the team's vast improvement, he took it to the next level and Southampton sans some of arguably their best players were better without them and with the Dutchman. He also hasn't got big shows to fill as Roberto Martinez's reign spluttered to a resounding end and a team with so much potential, in a season when they should have done so much better, was a flop. They don't appear to have signed anyone yet and despite having lots of money, this is a worry, especially if you're a Toffee's fan. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Panda</i></div>
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<b>Hull</b>: A club in turmoil. Only 13 fit players in the squad. The manager has just quit and the club is essentially for sale. I'd have a fiver on them to win the league. I expect them to go down and badly but I said that about Leicester last season. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Your crap dog</i></div>
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<b>Leicester</b>: And here they are, the Champions. Will they be champions in May. No. I'm positive of this. They will however begin the season like they finished last season and will remain tough to beat and difficult to play against unless you know how to close them down. A decent replacement for Kante is needed, but who was Kante last August? This is going to be as tough as old boots for them. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Lupus Lupus</i></div>
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<b>Liverpool</b>: No Europe and we all remember what happened last time that happened? This time they have Jurgen Klopp, a lot of his style of players and definite signs at times towards the end of last season that a new ethos was taking shape at Anfield. This team, for the first time in years, worries me. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Giraffe</i></div>
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469626796595_2855">Man City</b>: The Premier League really is the Champions League of managers this season and few come bigger than Pep Guardiola. Had the other Special One not moved into Old Trafford you might have pretty much given the title to Citeh given the foregone conclusion-ness attached to them. For Guardiola, read Antonio Conte above, this won't be an easy ride, it will get better and all the signs will start to show that the future is scary, but maybe not this year. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Gorilla</i></div>
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<b>Man Utd</b>: Determining factors - is Mourinho washed up? Will the Europa League hinder? Will they even bother with it? Will the weight of expectation become too high again? There's no denying the quality that's been brought in and that of those still being negotiated for. I just have a gut feeling that this could go horribly wrong and it's a real cheat to say it probably won't but I want to put it out there. <b>Animal Most Like -</b><i>Hyena</i></div>
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<b>Middlesbrough</b>: A dark horse for certain survival? There's something about them that suggests a resilience and staying in the Premier League isn't as difficult as it once seemed for newly promoted clubs. Have spent wisely and on some good players. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Geordies</i></div>
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<b>Southampton</b>: my underdogs for the relegation zone. The new manager might yet be another brilliant pick and the academy still continues to churn out future stars; but it must be hard playing for a club with both a Europa League campaign and with the knowledge you play for a selling club. Unlikely to repeat last season and could struggle if things get tough. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Seal</i></div>
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<b>Stoke</b>: I'm fed up with writing about Stoke and most years I write bugger all about them. Will frustrate and flatter to deceive. Mid-table as per. <b>Animal Most Like -</b><i>Shrew</i></div>
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<b>Sunderland</b>: David Moyes can turn Jermaine Defoe into a defensive midfielder. Surely a season of mediocrity but no real flirtation with relegation? Either this team will improve or no one will change their fortunes for a while. I think they'll bother neither end of the table. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>a very defensive minded sloth</i></div>
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<b>Swansea</b>: possibly the bottom has dropped out of Swansea a little and if Siggurdsson is prised away from them before the window slams shut then I fear for their future. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>lungfish</i></div>
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<b>Watford</b>: Who knows? What's the new manager like? How will the 30 new recruits slot into the team? Bizarre club. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Cuckoo</i></div>
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<b>West Ham</b>: We all know Bilic is a top quality manager. How the Hammers settle into their new home is a huge uncertainty. Fortress or target? West Ham were the first team to win at the Emirates, I believe, expect Arsenal to return the favour. Europa League could hinder league progress a little, depending on how serious they treat it this year. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i> Peacock</i></div>
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<b id="yiv7341404707yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469568021364_6447">West Brom</b>: God, I so hope they go down. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>skunk</i></div>
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<b id="yiv7341404707yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1469568021364_6446">Tottenham</b>: Optimism has never been in plentiful supply with me and my team and after a brilliant season, the team imploded to remind us all just how good they are at fucking up when Arsenal are sniffing at their arses. I expect nothing less than finishing above the Gooners and maybe we have the makings of doing more than that. The one key factor in Spurs failure to finish higher than 3rd was their failure to convert matches against obdurate opponents intent on a draw or nicking the win. The football they played, by and large, against the so-called big boys was irresistible at times and there's no reason why that shouldn't continue even with Champions League commitments. Sensible purchases, early on, and more brilliant raw talent being promoted from the youth coupled with something Spurs haven't had for a long time, continuity, means that I'm actually more than optimistic for them in a season with so many unknown factors at work. <b>Animal Most Like - </b><i>Vorlon</i></div>
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<b>The Table</b>:</div>
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<span style="color: red;">1. Tottenham</span></div>
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2. Liverpool</div>
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3. Man City</div>
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4. Chelsea</div>
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5. Man Utd</div>
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6. Everton</div>
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7. Arsenal</div>
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8. West Ham</div>
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9. Leicester</div>
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10. Stoke</div>
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11. Crystal Palace</div>
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12. Southampton</div>
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13. Watford</div>
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14. Middlesbrough</div>
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15. Sunderland</div>
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16. Bournemouth</div>
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17. WBA</div>
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<span style="color: orange;">18. Swansea</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange;">19. Burnley</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange;">20. Hull City</span></div>
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League Cup: Man City</div>
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FA Cup: Chelsea</div>
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Champions League: Bayern Munich</div>
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Europa League: Kazakhstan Korinthians</div>
</div>
Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-87373367224810502962016-06-29T10:24:00.000+01:002016-06-29T13:12:55.208+01:00Au revoir to The Quiet ManAll of you who know me, in the real world or on Farcebook will probably know or surmise that my X has always been for Labour, and you'd be mostly right. Currently my natural party of choice is doing what it does best, tearing itself apart. Regardless of the recriminations and regret over how they got to this place, much like that stupid referendum result, we have to grit our teeth and get on with it. I say "our", but in truth that's a bit wide of the mark, as I have never been a Labour member. I joined the Greens briefly after their relative success in the European Parliament elections in the mid 1980s, but the constant factional infighting that became instantly apparent put me off party membership for life. That said, as a natural Labour voter, I have every right to express my opinion, so here it is:<br />
<br />
Jeremy Corbyn will never win a General Election - cue foaming at the mouth by the idealist faction.<br />
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He is a quiet and dignified man whose principles guide him, a rare thing in modern politics. Corbyn is a lifelong Eurosceptic, and the fact he had to compromise his principles in the recent referendum debacle, and therefore only reluctantly entered the fray at the last minute, saying too little far too late to make a difference is at least part of the reason why thousands of natural Labour voters, especially in the north of England were not swayed from their misguided intentions to vote Leave. With such a small majority for Leave, Corbyn only had to persuade a few hundred thousand to vote the other way and the result would have been different. The fact that today we see a previously reluctant Corbyn on the news saying that Article 50 should be invoked now, not after we have a new Tory PM at the helm tells you all you need to know. He probably voted Leave himself, and is suddenly becoming forceful over the outcome.<br />
<br />
His heart was not in the Remain campaign, that much was obvious from his demeanour, when he was visible that is. A grudging comment along the lines of "I give the EU 7 out of 10" is hardly helpful, and the first time I heard him say Labour had to look at their immigration policy, the major factor for those northern ex-Labour voters, was the day before the vote. Way, way too late. I heard one of those same voters being asked
on the news what they thought Corbyn's stance was on the referendum, and his answer was he had "no idea". Much as Corbyn obviously loathes the
media, and he has good reason to, if he is to stand any chance in the
next General Election, which now could be a lot earlier than expected, he needs his
own Alistair Campbell making damn sure he appears every five minutes
calling the Tories to account. In fact, forget the GE, that should be happening right now, and it should be like shooting fish in a
barrel, but Corbyn prefers to remain near invisible. It frustrates the hell out me, and no doubt countless other Labour supporters away from the membership bubble. <br />
<br />
Leaving the appallingly stupid EU vote aside, Corbyn's biggest problem is also the reason he was voted in as leader in the first place. Part of his calm and reasoned manner involves travelling up and down the country meeting real people and explaining his vision, in his consensual manner. Marvellous, I agree, and a breath of fresh air, but unfortunately idealism has not won an election since 1979, and in the modern TV age it is unlikely to ever again. Stump politics may have worked in the 1960s, and arguably a faux version worked as late as 1992, but convincing hundreds of people at a time of your case will not win a GE in the 21st century. Corbyn has failed miserably at communicating his message to the greater mass of the public. You cannot win an election by ignoring the media, especially TV.<br />
<br />
Labour will never get back the Scottish vote, assuming they are even part of the UK by the next GE, and so to win enough seats not to get a majority necessarily, but to be able to form a workable coalition, Labour needs to win back its disaffected northern vote, most of whom now don't bother as they feel disenfranchised, and worryingly some vote UKIP. Even more difficult, they also need to get a fair proportion of middle England floating voters to switch sides from the Tories. It will be a very tough call for any leader, and with his current outlook, completely impossible for Corbyn.<br />
<br />
Another factor is his seeming lack of gravitas, although to be fair my assumption is yet to be truly tested, but if I'm right, it never will be! All prominent world
leaders need a statesman within, and in our recent history, Wilson had it, Callaghan didn't,
Thatcher had it, Major didn't - although he seems to have grown into it
years too late. Blair had it, Brown didn't. The common factor with all
those who didn't is they all failed in the job. Being PM is not a bout being "nice" and "reasonable", it is about making hard choices and dealing with the consequences. Speaking of which, courage and gravitas is astonishingly lacking in that cowardly idiot Cameron, without whom we would not be in this dreadful fucking mess in the first place. Thanks, Dave, you absolute waste of space. <br />
<br />
A modern party leader and hopeful Prime Minister has to make compromises every day, and both jobs are a triumph of pragmatism over idealism, that's the real world. Corbyn is no doubt an excellent constituency MP and is a great guy to have on your side if you want a new road crossing outside your local primary school, but PM material? Hardly, he's a back room man, an ideas man, and would make a good Secretary for Work and Pensions, but he is not and never will be PM material.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the membership will no doubt re-elect Corbyn, the MPs who voted "no confidence" will defect and join up with the
few Tories with a human face and a social conscience, and the
Liberals...and lo...a New SDP to fill the missing centre, as nature and
politics abhor a vacuum. It's 1981 all over again. Consequently the
anti-Tory vote is split, Johnson gets in with the most right wing
government we've ever seen in this country.<br />
<br />
Do the Labour Party want a leader who will lead a marginal socialist rump in the House of Commons, satisfied to sit smugly on the sidelines occupying the moral high ground forever without a sniff of power, or do they want a leader who will be Prime Minister? I am a Labour voter, and to me, that is no choice at all...I might even join to give pragmatism one more vote.<br />
...<br />
<br />
...just thought you needed cheering up...and I haven't even mentioned Trump! Yep, 2016 is most certainly the Year of Stupid. Fangyewandgudnite....Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-86722377348731923692016-06-21T11:00:00.001+01:002016-06-21T14:34:22.939+01:00The Referendum Blues...Very BlueOn Thursday we here in the UK will be making the biggest decision of our voting lives, and for some of you who were over 18 on 6th June 1975 it is your second chance at determining the future of our country. 41 years ago that generation were young and hopeful of the future, as indeed they should be, and they and most of the rest of the country voted to stay in what was then the Common Market.<br />
<br />
You are mostly all now in receipt of pensionable income of some form or other, and barring an absolute economic catastrophe your future income is safe, and more importantly, known. A large percentage of you have worked at some point or another for a Government department and therefore are probably well enough off to withstand the inevitable price rises that will follow a Brexit, an outcome most of you seem in favour of. Unfortunately those economic guarantees do not apply to your children and grandchildren, which is why I now ask you to think again.<br />
<br />
I have read countless blogs, posts, articles on the Leave side of the fence, so I would like to think any Leavers reading this would do me the same courtesy, so, consider this if you will:<br />
<br />
Whatever your reasons to vote Leave, do you really want to see a country where the opportunities to live and work anywhere within the EU without restriction is denied to your children and grandchildren? These are opportunities that some of you may have taken advantage of. Aside from the employment scenario, if any of you have married an EU citizen from another country, and brought them here to live - or vice-versa - after Brexit there is a good chance that will no longer be possible for your descendants, or at the very least only possible after waiting years for the correct paperwork. Do you really want to restrict their life chances that much, given that they are far more likely to want to travel abroad to find work than you were, and for a lot, finding a partner will follow.<br />
<br />
Even the majority of your descendants who will always live and work in the UK will be directly affected as initially at least - and there's no guarantee we will ever recover fully - there will be an increase in unemployment as multi-nationals relocate or scale down their operations in favour of locations within the EU.<br />
<br />
Additionally in a probably vain appeal to loftier ideals, the reason there has been no war in western Europe in over 70 years is down to the EU, and NATO. In fact the quest for lasting peace was one of the reasons the EU was formed. Breaking it up plays into the hands of nationalists and warmongers. Incidentally, I do not hear any Leavers wanting to leave NATO, where if any one of its members is attacked it is taken as an act of war on all of them. Isn't that "undemocratic", and even a close call to the dreaded and mythical European Army?<br />
<br />
After that plea to your emotions, here are some pertinent hard facts that I would like you to think about:<br />
<br />
The labour protection laws and benefits and H&S rules that gradually came into being since 1975 that you have benefitted from while employed all came about largely as a result of us being in the EU. Outside the EU there are no checks on what an increasingly right wing libertarian Government might want to repeal.<br />
<br />
The mythical benefit to the NHS promised by the Leave campaign simply will not happen as the net monies we pay to the EU will not be there as the economy will undoubtedly shrink after a Brexit. Take a look at the financial pages of your paper - it's already happening as stock prices plummet in a nervous pre-vote market expecting the worst. This may affect your investments directly, investments that you rely on to maintain your standard of living, not to mention your children's investments for their retirement, one that whatever the outcome will never be as cushioned as that of the Baby Boomers, the most well-off generation of retirees this country has seen and will see for a long, long time.<br />
<br />
A lot of you are being led by the Leave campaign and the media into fixating on immigration, and while the vast majority of you are not racists, we all know where those fears ultimately lead as recent events horrifically showed. In any event, leaving the EU will have little effect on immigration, otherwise why is it that over half of current net immigration is from outside the EU? And there is no way that Turkey will be joining the EU in either your or my lifetime. It only takes one member to object!<br />
<br />
The more idealistic of you are voting Leave in some laudable but naive hope of better democracy. We had our chance at better democracy when we rejected PR a few years ago. Remember, we currently have a Government that was elected by less than a quarter of the electorate, who can force their legislation through an unelected second chamber flooded with unelected members for that purpose. It is ironic that the unelected chamber has 200 or so more members that the elected one. A Brexit will certainly lead to an unelected (that word again!) Government led by Boris Johnson, of a more right wing nature than we have ever seen in this country, as Cameron's position will be untenable following a Brexit. Rather puts complaints about the EU being undemocratic into perspective don't you think?<br />
<br />
I could go on, but I doubt there is any point. If any Leavers are still reading, I congratulate you on keeping an open mind, but I fear that most have entrenched opinions and will not have read past the first paragraph, so I won't waste any more of your or my time. The EU is far from perfect, and yesterday I heard a German Eurocrat saying that whatever the outcome of the UK referendum it will cause the EU to take "a serious look at itself". Surely it is better to be part of that process than declining in isolation on the fringes? Vote Remain on Thursday 23rd June for a better future!Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-15729830714881641612016-05-02T12:19:00.000+01:002016-05-02T14:16:32.608+01:00Phenomenally Below ParWell, what a strange old season this has been. Here we are with two weekends to go and Leicester are currently standing one point shy of almost certainly claiming the most unlikely of league titles, and their nearest challengers are Spurs, yes, Spurs, who could have predicted that? With my best mate being a Spud I almost feel sorry for them as undoubtedly from a pure footballing perspective the perennially underachieving north London team have played the most attractive football, and Phil, being now comfortably the wrong side of 50 has never witnessed his team lift the top domestic honour. Still, there's always next season, eh? I can't see Spuds anywhere but challenging next time, while only the the daftest fox would assume anything more than a decent top half finish for Leicester next time out, what with their Champions League commitments, and the possibility of losing Mahrez and/or Vardy, and Kante.<br />
<br />
Talking of perennial underachievers, my lot missed a big opportunity this time out, what with two of the usual top 4 suspects misfiring badly, and a third coasting along like a comatose Oasis album. This was the season that Roberto Martinez, who is A Nice Bloke, had to improve on the lacklustre 2014/15 campaign, when at least he had the justified excuse of a Europa League charabanc to explain our poor league showing. This time, with no such distractions we have gone backwards. It seems as a coach, Martinez is incapable of getting the best out of players. To do that you need a bit of steel, the ability to switch on the "hairdryer" when needed. Putting your arm around the shoulder of your young centre back and telling him to play his way out of trouble because he has the obvious talent is the limited and failed tactic of A Nice Bloke, I'm afraid.<br />
<br />
John Stones, more than any other player reflects Martinez' backwards progression since taking the job. In his first season the team were still possessed of a solid spine built on years of no-nonsense Scottish Presbyterian work ethic, and that, combined with Martinez' natural flair made for a winning combination and our highest ever Premier League points tally. For some reason thereafter Martinez decided to coach out of the team any sort of defensive shape when without possession, or maybe it just happened because Roberto, who is A Nice Bloke, just doesn't know any better? Fine if you are Barca or Real, but we simply do not have the talent in depth to rely on continually scoring more goals than the opposition. It seems Martinez' defensive coaching team consisted of a couple of hairdressers and a Sunday pub team manager. I can't even tell you who they are, such is their anonymity, assuming they even exist. <br />
<br />
Going back to Stones, here is a lad that immediately after all the transfer speculation linking him with Chelsea played a blinder in the home game against that very team, and we thought, yep, all is well. Unfortunately that was a peak from which he swiftly tumbled, as Martinez' baffling tactics drained every last bit of confidence out of him to such an extent you could almost see it in his face sometimes. Endless mistakes and goals given away, aided by Martinez relying on Howard for far too long - Martinez is A Nice Bloke, you see - meant we gave away leads like Tories giving away different bits of the NHS every week.<br />
<br />
The other player who suffered more than most at this strange lack of direction from Martinez was Ross Barkley, who seemed to have been given the responsibility of launching every attack, a fact opposing teams quickly spotted by putting three players on him at every opportunity. Luckily our one top class player Romelu Lukaku still managed to get the ball often enough to bang in his now customary shedload of goals, without which we would be keeping the north easteners and Norwich company down the bottom of the league.<br />
<br />
Many fans keep banging on about how this current squad is the best we've had since the 80s, but is it, really? We have one player who would get the centre forward spot in most PL teams, a couple of very promising kids who hopefully one day not so far away will be the best in their positions in league, whether or not with us, who knows? The rest are mostly competent PL players, no more. Jags is a great captain and CB but he won't go on forever, Baines is no spring chicken. Barry shows how much we rely on him when he's missing, and for me he is our player of the season. Doofyloofy blows hot and cold, there's no danger of Barca wanting him back. Robles is OK, no more, if we are to challenge for top 4 we need a better keeper. Funes Mori is unpredictable and has poor judgement. The guy can go from brilliant to calamity in the space of one move. In other words, a typical South American - Tim Vickery was right. So, best squad since the 80s? Is it any better than Moyes' best squads, given the standard of competition then and now? I don't think so. Wholesale changes need making. <br />
<br />
No single game summed up our appalling total lack of defensive nous than the
Man City League Cup semi final, a game that at one point we were 3-1 up
on aggregate, enough to see most other teams through - imagine Moyes
being 3-1 up and losing a game like that? Of course, a two goal lead was
nowhere near enough for us that time, nor has it been on many other occassions
this woeful season. Many fans have suggested employing a defensive coach, but this simply will not happen under Martinez, as to defend as a team without the ball dictates a complete change of tactical philosophy, something the increasingly stubborn Martinez is unlikely to ever contemplate.<br />
<br />
The fan base was split at the end of last season between those who wanted Martinez out, and the rest of us who were willing to give him one more season. Those of us in the second camp have now lost our patience, with one exception on the Facebook group at least...you know who you are! With the influx of Moshiri's loot and the new TV deal, does our new money man trust a bumper transfer kitty to A Nice Bloke, or does he get a proper manager in? The answer might be obvious, but it all depends how much he listens to Bill Kenwright, that most loyal of chairmen. Even Bill must now realise that A Nice Bloke is not necessarily what you need running a football club with ambitions of European football.<br />
...<br />
<br />
Finally, a word of congrats for my home town club, whose story is every bit as emotional as Leicester's. From being two days away from being wound up to ending up League Two champions a few months on, it doesn't get much better than that. They cheered me up at times when Everton continually heaped disappointment upon let down, something the club have become expert at since 1878, so I suppose I should be used to it.<br />
<br />Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-13766033835351309252015-11-11T10:17:00.002+00:002015-11-11T10:21:53.282+00:00Spiny Norman loses cherry...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW0ofmzgvCBRZ1blshoLpnvQx1M4EjGX3VR5ioCk94IPE-fc13R4CXYPvos142O_YQrugwRqkdjYKQyiEwBE29Wy_lD4XfQPJFpnR0gKaZlxHmEuLSzlcsOxxHYCz-vRV8jRrE1inE6OM/s1600/norman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW0ofmzgvCBRZ1blshoLpnvQx1M4EjGX3VR5ioCk94IPE-fc13R4CXYPvos142O_YQrugwRqkdjYKQyiEwBE29Wy_lD4XfQPJFpnR0gKaZlxHmEuLSzlcsOxxHYCz-vRV8jRrE1inE6OM/s320/norman.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
So, a Tory MP wants the humble hedgehog to be adopted as our National Animal does he? A hedgehog! I ask you....mind you, they say a country's symbolic beastie reflects its characteristics, don't they? The Russian Bear - lumbering but scary, aggressive and surly; the American Eagle - keeps out of reach, a circling predatory killer with a beady eye for the main chance; so why not the British Hedgehog - small, a bit slow, easily provoked into a ridiculous defensive pose, overreacts to the onset of "winter", prickly.<br />
...<br />
<br />
Phil Collins is mulling over coming out of retirement. Fair play to the bloke, it's not like he needs the money, even after all those divorces. As I'm sure you know by now, some wag set up a petition calling on the United Nations to prevent Mr Collins from inflicting his pop ditties on the world, saying "Phil Collins has announced he is 'no
longer in retirement'. There is far too much suffering in the world as
it is. This must be stopped.", and more in a similar mildly amusing vein.<br />
<br />
As the author himself has said it was an attempt at "lowbrow satire" obviously lost on Collins' po-faced fans who, missing the point entirely took to ye interweb in droves defending their hero, with one fine rant in particular by some humourless bloke with a broom handle so far up his arse he was having difficulty breathing, going to <a href="http://makeyourowntaste.com/2015/11/08/an-appreciation-of-phil-collins-youre-not-worthy/">extraordinary lengths</a> spelling out why Collins is on a par with Mozart, and how the petitioner should have his testicles speared by Collins' drumsticks. Well, the holier-than-thou righteous brigade have won the day, as the author has now removed the petition saying:<br />
<br />
"People who signed this get that it was a
joke. Some others didn't. It very obviously wasn't a serious petition.
Surely no one could think this was going to be sent to the UN?<br />
<div class="copy-paste-block">
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<br /></div>
It was lowbrow satire, a farcical jest
that I shared with some friends...I doubt very much that Phil Collins would give a damn about my musical
taste...It's gone now, so people who
were annoyed about it and gave their attention to it... may
direct their attentions to something of real importance. This petition wasn't that."</div>
<div class="copy-paste-block">
<br /></div>
<div class="copy-paste-block">
<div class="copy-paste-block">
Read more at <a href="http://www.nme.com/news/phil-collins/89588#W0Mmvdgs42ajLQ2t.99">http://www.nme.com/news/phil-collins/89588#W0Mmvdgs42ajLQ2t.99</a><br />
<br />
If I were Collins I would have signed it myself for a laugh, and one wonders if those same riders of the moral high horse would have got so hot under the collar were a similar satirical petition set up calling for Justin Bieber to stop, now.</div>
</div>
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<div class="copy-paste-block">
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<br />
After over 20 years, Burwood Towers is no longer receiving TV signals from a subscription service, a change I should have made some time ago to be honest. Several years ago, we switched from Sky to Virgin, partly because of the ever-increasing cost of largely unwatched Sky Sports, which I ditched, and partly because Virgin offered by far the fastest internet speeds in our area. Over the years since we have seen the basic Virgin TV package we subscribed to slowly but inexorably increase in price to the point where our paying £16 a month for the privilege of my watching Sky Sports News on Saturdays, and access to a few other Sky channels neither of us ever bother with was a daft waste of money.<br />
<br />
The main attraction of the Virgin TV box was its catch up TV services and its recording capabilities. Now we have recently finally entered the modern age chez nous, and got ourselves a smart TV, we no longer need the Virgin box for catch up services, and the addition of a cheap HD recorder has provided the final piece in the jigsaw. Kudos to Virgin, who only half-heartedly tried to talk me out of returning their box of tricks, they also re-wrote my contract for broadband and landline and gave me a £9 per month loyalty bonus for 18 months - a consumer company offering loyalty payments, whatever next! - making a grand saving of £25 per month on my old bill. Woohoo!<br />
<br />
It will be interesting to see how subscription TV adapts to the rise of internet capable TV systems and cheap HD recorders, as I guess folk who are or will soon be suffering at the removal of tax credit payments find they have to cut luxuries out of the family budget. Ultimately this may have a big effect on my sport of choice, and it would be great to see a more level playing field in the Premier League. There are only two clubs who would not be affected by a big reduction in TV money, Chelsea and Manchester City. Most of the rest would go bust and start again, but a few (Man Utd, Arsenal, Spurs possibly) would carry on but be unable to afford to renew massive player contracts or pay ludicrous transfer fees. The effect on world transfer markets would be huge...one can but dream!<br />
...<br />
<br />
Hello! I Must Be Going....Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-43095757739499683132015-10-16T14:47:00.001+01:002015-10-16T19:14:26.027+01:00TV on Earth...I thought it was probably time to blow the several layers of dust off Brouhaha, and give you some semi-formed nonsense about terrestrial TV on planet Earth - well, in the UK, at any rate. Here's my completely irrelevant thoughts on some stuff wot I bin watchin'...<br />
<br />
<b>Have I Got News For You</b><br />
Unbeknownst to yours truly, yet another series of this ancient satire show creaked into action a few weeks ago, so last night I watched the first episode on Catch Up. Having been a fan since series 1 back in 1990 (!), I probably now watch out of habit more than anything else, but it still makes me laugh now and again, and that's good enough for me.<br />
<br />
Since 2007 as well as the usual half-hour programme, now broadcast at primetime on BBC1, an extended version with extra footage edited from its smarter prime time BBC1 cousin has been shown a few days later, buried on BBC2. I would guess that after all these years, HIGNFY's audience is 99% longtime fans who only watch the long version, so why they bother with the shorter one at all is beyond me.<br />
<br />
Anyway, Episode 1 of Series 50 (no, really!) was chaired by that self-confessed dinosaur and professional oaf Jeremy Clarkson. Joining Hislop we had Jemima Daddysgotaporsche, an extremely irritating and entitled yahoo posh bird journo. Her actual name is apparently Camilla Long, and she writes for The Times, a Murdoch rag - 'nuff said. With Merton was the unfeasibly tall quiz show creator and all-round uber-brain and good bloke, Richard Osman.<br />
<br />
As this show was filmed just after the Labour conference, and with Clarkson and Jemima on board, joined in tacit agreement by Hislop, it soon turned into a "Let's rip the piss out of Jeremy Corbyn" contest. I've always liked Richard Osman, a guy with a sharp wit, and I suspected a bloke in possession a top quality bullshit detector. My suspicions were confirmed, as he turned out to be the only one defending Corbyn while the aforementioned other three took great delight in highlighting the old boy's admittedly many shortcomings. Strangely during the Corbynfest, Merton remained largely silent, leaving his team mate to fight the red corner alone, although his question "Why have we got Trident?", which he answered himself with "...is it (to protect us from) attacks on the Undergound?" raised a smile.<br />
<br />
Osman, when not defending Corbyn against the baying public school contingent, spent his time winding up Clarkson, a noble pursuit if you ask me. The very tall one likened not pressing "The Button" to never selecting ITV2 on his TV remote, with Clarkson chipping in with "What is ITV2?" Quick as a flash, Osman retorts "You'll find out soon enough, Jeremy" LOL, indeed! However, credit must be given where due to to the suddenly very old-looking former employee puncher, who for the most part held his cool against Osman's rapier-like incisiveness. Great telly!<br />
<br />
Hislop, who quite rightly will have ago at incompetence or injustice wherever he sees it, redeemed himself with some typically astute observations, at one point getting righteously angry about the way in which the meeja has used the Cameron "Cock and Pig Story" to gloss over the real crimes our glorious leader and his party have committed against the poor of this country.<br />
<br />
Yes, it's tired and arthritic, but it still makes me laugh. HIGNFY is the Beeb's equivalent of an eccentric, curmudgeonly but essentially loveable uncle in a care home. Of course, the care home is under constant and thoroughly unjustified threat of privatisation or closure, but while it stands, so does the show.<br />
<br />
<b>River</b><br />
Just because you're using a Swedish lead actor and your story is seemingly about loss and grief does not mean you have a series to rival The Killing, no siree. River is based on a preposterous premise wherein our titular hero, a Detecive Inspector (what else?) is literally haunted by ghosts, or "manifests" as he prefers to call them from his troubled distant and recent past. He holds long conversations with these spookies, and he even gets physical with one of them, beating "him" up while incarcerated in a police cell (don't ask). This wildly eccentric behaviour while noticed by his colleagues seems to have no effect on his ongoing employment status, other than a few enforced but brief and truculent sessions with the in-house psychologist.<br />
<br />
Even a committed Dr Who fan will find their credulity-o-meter stretched to breaking point by this daft programme. River is a ridiculously OTT failed Anglo attempt at Nordic Noir, right down to the introspectively gloomy theme tune. I won't be wasting any more time on this, needless to say.<br />
<br />
<b>Dr Who</b><br />
Well, it had to get a mention, didn't it?<br />
<br />
They shoot horses, don't they?...or...Why? When will it all end?<br />
<br />
<b>Cradle To Grave</b><br />
Just to prove it's not all crap, this delightful and occasionally hilarious series has ticked all the right nostalgia buttons for those of us who entered the 1970s as kids, and left it as young adults. Great soundtrack, and a great theme tune, the title track of Squeeze's new platter, and if the rest of it is that good it shows that not all ancient bands should be banned from reforming. By the end I even got used to Peter Kay's variable take on a Cokernee accent, dinneye?Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-83894164960364047462015-04-02T11:43:00.000+01:002015-04-02T14:11:08.478+01:00A Cautionary Tale...Thursday May 16th 2019, a lovely day. The sun was shining, we were under a mini-heatwave, which at this time of the year meant the temperature was a pleasant 72°F. The weather was of minor concern to Jason, who had just woken to the sound of his alarm clock. Unemployed for nearly nine months, he still got up with his alarm at 7am, as he didn't fancy slipping into the morass of ennui that some of his mates wallowed in. Steve was actually proud of the fact that he never arose from his pit before noon, the lazy bugger. <br />
<br />
Jason awoke with a rare smile on his careworn face, for he was looking forward to the weekend, as a £300 scratchcard win a couple of days ago has given him the wherewithal to take his wife out for a meal for...well, he couldn't remember exactly when it last happened, must've been over a year ago. Linda and Jase both liked a curry, and luckily Linda lived in one of the
few conurbations where a few curry houses still existed, as the coalition
crackdown on migrant workers had led to thousands of restaurant staff
leaving the country, some willingly, some not so, rather than put up with constant suspicion and
finger pointing, not to mention the steady withdrawal of benefit
entitlement.<br />
<br />
Since they lost the flat, Jason didn't get to see Linda much now, as he couldn't afford the exorbitant return train fare charged by the new rail franchise to her parent's place 70 miles away. There's half the win gone already...still let's not worry about that, for after he had given his mum a rare £50 there will still just about be enough left over for the meal, that's the main thing. Food prices had shot up since we left the EU two years ago, and he had wanted to give his mum all the money, as things were not exactly flush for his parents either, since their teachers' pensions had been reduced by 25% as part of a "rationalisation" in the last coalition Budget. "No, you take Linda out, it will do you both the power of good" she had said, bless her.<br />
<br />
After that initial and uncommon burst of waking optimism, he got out of bed and promptly nearly fell over, the pain in his ankle reminding him that he couldn't put off going to A&E any longer. He had vainly tried getting a doctor's appointment, armed for disappointment as it was well known that unofficially you only got a appointment now if you were usefully employed and at death's door, or could afford to make a hefty donation to to the "Surgery Roof Restoration Fund" as it was euphemistically known. Jason's anticipated kickback came with knobs on as he thought he heard the disinterested receptionist at the other end of the phone suppress a cynical snort as he described his condition. "Try A&E" she had said and brusquely hung up. That prospect filled Jason with dread, as he resigned himself to losing a day and most of a night by spending the now average 18 hours in the desperately overcrowded and frankly dangerously grubby A&E waiting area. The long waiting time and dilapidated state of his local NHS hospital (at least he had one) being the result of the coalition's cutbacks, privatisation, and draconian immigration restrictions leading to
hospitals up and down the land being unable get the staff to do the
menial jobs, jobs that only the most desperate of the indigenous population
would apply for.<br />
<br />
Jason hobbled to the bathroom, only to find it already occupied by his Dad. "Fuck" thought our Jase, as Dad never spent less than half an hour in there of a morning. "It's either cross my legs or go piss in the kitchen sink". Oh the joys of living with your parents, something over half of Jason's 30-something generation were now doing out of economic necessity because housing, both owned and rented was way out of reach for the ever-increasing millions in Jason's jobless position what with the huge reductions in Housing Benefit, as well as being an increasingly unrealistic aspiration for those on the average working wage, which was shrinking every month, that and the burgeoning unemployment rates again thanks to the UK leaving the EU.<br />
<br />
Jason was ever grateful to his parents for putting up with him and keeping him housed, fed and clothed after his meagre unemployment benefit stopped three months into his current workless state and he lost the marital flat, Linda's low wage not being anywhere near enough to support them both. Jason was thankful they didn't have kids to worry about on top of all that.<br />
<br />
Jason's last job was at the local car plant until it announced that owing to the UK's imminent leaving of the EU it was relocating to Lille in France three months prior to our upping anchor and sailing off into the open arms of the Third World. They did offer Jase a position over there, but he just couldn't see himself putting up with all those Frenchies, a decision he soon came to regret, as France would no longer let him in as a now non-EU citizen. Desperation was taking hold for our hero, and it looked like he now had no choice but to apply for one of the hundreds of very low paid hospital cleaner jobs, assuming he's not forced into one on Workfare. Even if he could get paid a wage for it, the minimum wage had been frozen since the election, and let's face it, it was nowhere near what you could independently live on anyway, especially as the powers that be had recently withdrawn the right to tax credit to people living with their parents.<br />
<br />
As Jason limped downstairs towards the kitchen, his bladder by now tripping the light fantastic and praying his Mum wasn't in there, Jason fretted over the circumstances that have led to this coming day out at the hospital. If only the bloody council would fill in those potholes instead of wasting their money on that immigration processing facility, then I wouldn't have tripped while crossing the road last week, he pondered. He could forget suing as that was now a legislative minefield that only the wealthy could afford to negotiate. Still, it could be worse, his mate Dave had been in prison for nearly four months now on suspicion of an unspecified terrorism-related offence, simply because some lackey frightened for their job at PC World found some writings on Arab sponsored militant Islamic groups on his computer when he took it there for some routine maintenance. The fact that Dave was doing a thesis on Middle Eastern politics didn't seem to have any effect on his case, and now we were no longer part of the EU Human Rights Act, the State could do whatever it liked if the "T" word was bandied about enough. They wouldn't even allow visitors, the bastards.<br />
<br />
Thankful to arrive at the kitchen to find it empty, Jason stood on the footstool and blissfully relieved himself into the kitchen sink, as he ruminated some more on his unfortunately brainy mate. Dave had always been a leftie, and was forever banging on about justice and equality and other subjects Jason couldn't give a toss about, let alone grasp, but Dave always made him laugh and always got his round in, that was what really mattered after all, eh? Smiling at the memory, Jason recalled that Dave once tried to physically stop him from voting "Out" in the EU referendum by unsuccessfully attempting to lock him in his flat on that fateful Thursday. Fuck, that really tested the friendship that did! For all that, it was slowly dawning on Jason like a sunrise through the thick sulphurous fog of his prejudice-clouded brain that he along with many thousands of other dimwits voting for UKIP in droves back in 2015, thereby giving Farage's poisonous little cabal a big say in the current Tory/UKIP coalition, and then voting "Out" in the EU Referendum were possibly the two biggest mistakes he had ever made in a voting booth...apart from that time he voted after an afternoon session at the pub and threw up all over the ballot box, but that's another story. <br />
<br />Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-41761416252589485382015-02-20T11:25:00.001+00:002015-02-20T15:52:55.642+00:00Duh-duh duh duh-duh-duh...Unnecessarily long and convoluted plotlines leading to a ludicrous denouement, with a completely unconnected massive shark jump thrown in for good measure. Nope, I'm not talking about Dr Who for once, but <i>EastbloodyEnders</i> (SPOILER ALERT). Overseas readers - there be a touch of the old cockernee vernacular in here too, me old shiners.<br />
<br />
I don't normally watch <i>EastbloodyEnders</i>, but I have this week as it included the conclusion to the long (too bloody long) running "who killed Lucy" plotline, not that I cared particularly, but hey, it might be vaguely entertaining.<br />
<br />
For those who don't know, or give a monkey's, Lucy Beale was an amoral, needy, self-centred, grasping little trollop with a massive sense of entitlement and a completely basis-free superiority complex, for whom death could only be a vast improvement. Come to think of it, that would apply to most of the cast, male and female. But come on...her weedy 10-year old and previously (as far as I know) totally silent little bruvver was 'im wot dun it? Really? It remains to be seen 'ow ee dun it, but my guess is he sucked her soul out through her eyes by dint of a hitherto unsuspected demonic power, causing the poor wretch to scream hideously as her life force evaporated into the ether...or summat.<br />
<br />
And that wasn't the massive shark jump I referred to earlier, oh no. That was the return of the previously brown bread Kathy Beale, Lucy's gran, apropos of absolutely nothing at all. OK, her son was getting married for the 28th time, which is a decent reason for mum to visit from the hereafter I suppose, but up to the point Kathy stepped out of the black cab, not a dicky bird had been heard of her since she died, unsurprisingly. <i>EastbloodyEnders Zombie Apocalypse!!</i> Bring it on! What upped the weird city factor was that the actress who plays her now looks about 5 years younger than her "son".<br />
<br />
Keeping track of the 703 plotlines all concluding at once last night was actually quite fun. These included the discovery of the demise of comedy bungling cockernee tea leaf and all-round bad egg "Nasty" Nick Cotton, who died from an over-indulgence of the old spark plugs under the rueful gaze of his "Ma", the ancient cigarette holder/ashtray combination Dot Cotton, who confessed her "crime" to the rozzers and was promptly arrested. "Nasty" Nick Cotton has been in and out of the soap forever, and if nothing else, "actor" John Altman is consistent and reliable, bearing a marked similarity to that heavy and battered oak dining table you inherited from your gran and can't bring yourself to chuck out: that is, utterly wooden.<br />
...<br />
<br />
Speaking of misanthropic miserablism, I can't stand <i>The Wall</i> by Pink Floyd, which was the most deserving of the five records nominated under the heading Worst Double Albums of All Time in The Daily Telegraph the other day...sorry, got side tracked there, back to TV...still on misanthropic miserablism, I have long suspected that JK Rowling, a woman with the countenance of an over-burdened tax inspector, is living proof of the old maxim that money cannot buy you happiness. If <i>A Casual Vacancy </i>gives the lie to some of the author's character traits then my musings are spot on. The book sits as yet unread on our shelf, but apparently the TV version has had the narrative changed to give a less nasty conclusion, because, according to the script editor viewers deserve some kind of redemptive ending after investing three hours of their time.Look, if we can cope with <i>EastbloodyEnders</i> where innocent ten year olds are turned into psychopaths capable of fratricide without so much as a by your leave, then we can cope with a bit of good old misanthropy. Make the ending as grim as the book I say, we can take it!<br />
<br />
Although I have been forewarned of a damp squib of an ending, this still looks like being a belter of a drama, almost like <i>EastbloodyEnders</i> for folk with more than two brain cells. Michael Gambon is superb in it, although his presence reminds us that JKR has some way to go before she writes stuff as wonderfully bile-filled as the sadly missed Dennis Potter, who as everyone knows was Harry's grandad.<br />
...<br />
<br />
<br />Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-75048559961955088532015-01-01T11:53:00.002+00:002015-01-01T11:57:00.643+00:00A Potato in a World of HuemulTV over the holiday season has been largely ignored by moi this time, and looking at the listings, I didn't miss much, did I? The best thing I've watched on the box has been the 5:1 version of <i>The Godfather (Part One)</i>, which had languished in its plastic wrap-seal since being unwrapped at Xmas 2012. You can tell I'm not a film buff, eh? Might give part two a go on New Year's Day. Part three will probably wait until the next holiday, for as we all know it's a bit poo.<br />
<br />
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<br />
So, what have I watched? Well, we got home slightly sozzled from a luvvly Xmas day out at around 6pm, checked the Radio Times and saw that <i>Dr Who</i> was starting in 15 minutes. We put it on, B watched it, I was asleep by 6:30, only waking as the credits were rolling. After all, that's what these later series of DW are for surely? Quite why a ridiculously overhyped kids sci-fi programme is now poured over and picked to bits by legions of obsessives has long been a mystery to me, and I was a big fan up to when Pertwee left. I suppose I just grew out of it like you grow out of short trousers and simplistic pop music.<br />
<br />
It has to be said that the Beeb wastes a good proportion of its drama budget on a franchise that spends half the time gazing adoringly at its own navel and the other half setting new world records at shark jumping. Still as long as it turns a profit for the Beeb then I'll carry on using it as a visual lullaby.<br />
... <br />
<br />
Another programme getting well past its sell-by is <i>Top Gear</i>. I would bet that at least a third of the audience for this year's "special" were only there to see the well-publicised bust-up at the end, when Mr Potatohead and his mates were sent fleeing for their lives from southern Argentina. At the start of the second part of the Patagonia extravaganza, Clarkson, in a specially filmed prequel with May and Hammond sitting silently around the table with him like two not-so-wise monkeys said the production team were aware of the errant numberplate - H982 FKL - and that they couldn't simply change the plate before leaving the UK, and that it would be changed before the planned game of car football at the end. What a load of horseshit! Of course they could have changed it, by spending a few hundred quid at DVLA. Did they really think no-one would spot the provocative plate as it was driven for hundreds of miles through Argentina and Chile and that word would reach the excitable Argentinian veterans and their buddies of what was coming their way? Do they really expect anyone to believe that they weren't expecting trouble sending three British neanderthals to "make peace" with the locals at the home port of the General Belgrano, a place where Brits are loathed probably more than in anywhere else on the planet? Like everything else about this programme, the whole scenario was so obviously fixed, but they got far more than they bargained for, and you can only say it served them right.<br />
<br />
There was only one part in the two hours that made me laugh as opposed to chuckle, when they jerry-built the final section of an unfinished bridge, and Clarkson turns to Hammond saying "Yes, but is it straight?" "Yes" replies the short one, quick as a flash - you got the impression it wasn't scripted too. Of course the dreary and humourless Guardianistas will be up on their high horses over that, I've no doubt. Clarkson is, despite his TV image, a highly intelligent bloke, and is only too aware of the controversy that he deliberately courts. He is possessed of a self-awareness and guile that we can only be thankful are way, way beyond the feeble mental grasp of the likes of Nigel Farrago, so be grateful for small mercies...unless Clarkson joins UKIP...bloody hell, that's a frightening prospect!<br />
<br />
The glorious scenery and the concluding and frightening rock hurling scenes aside, it was all rather dull, and it was embarrassing watching the three of them churn up deserts and a pristine beach with their primordial gas-guzzling cars in areas where frankly cars shouldn't even be allowed. I think it's high time they called it a day. James May seems to have more about him than the other two, and it is disappointing to see him continually going along with Clarkson's irksome jingoism. He must love the dosh too much to care.<br />
...<br />
<br />
A lot of football is played over the holiday season, but as Mr Martinez has turned my team into Wigan on crutches, I haven't watched a single <i>Match of the Day</i>. Hopefully that will change tonight, but I ain't counting my snapped ligaments.<br />
...<br />
<br />
Charlie Booker's annual round-up has become something of a fixture for me. You think I can be acerbic? Well, Charlie is the master! His withering and dyspeptic style was perfect for summing up a bloody awful year that came packaged with austerity, atrocities, religious intolerance, bigotry, disease, war, political dislocation, extreme weather, a royal baby, and 40-year old sex crimes deflecting attention from the endless list of unpunished filching carried out by thieving bankers. Levity was provided by dumb prole parody characters Philomena Cunk and Barry Shitpeas, who I laugh at with an increasing uneasiness as every year the growing proportion of the wilfully ignorant in the general population moves closer and closer to the stupidity of the intellectually condemned duo. Oh, the joy!<br />
... <br />
<br />
B and I ended the year watching "Queen + Adam Lambert" on the Beeb. Never heard of Lambert before, but he did a passable Freddie impersonation. Apparently he once came second in American Idol, but he can actually sing, so I won't hold that against him! During Bohemian Rhapsody they cut to a video of Freddie singing, and it was instantly noticeable that Lambert has nowhere near the power of Fred's voice, but Fred was unique and could have been an opera singer if he wanted. And, boy, didn't Queen have a vast number of hits?! It's only when a largish chunk of them were played end to end that I was reminded of that. Seems John Deacon is no longer with the band, so "Queen" are now Roger Taylor, who sounded and looked a bit knackered, and Brian May, who can still bang it out. Yep, quite enjoyable!<br />
<br />
Have a great 2015, and may it bring you and yours all you wish for...and now, my 2014 TV wibble...<br />
...<br />
<br />
This is Britain, so where TV is concerned there are no "seasons" here;
winter is a season, a sequential TV show is a series! Harrumph...<br />
<br />
Over the last year I watched - or more correctly, the TV's been on and I've intermittently looked up from a book/magazine/tablet - a few drama series, the best of which, and one that got my undivided attention, was <i>Peaky Bloinders</i> ("o" optional, for added Brummie affectations). As if the premise of setting <i>The Sopranos</i> in grime-filled industrial 1920s Birmingham wasn't enticing enough, the pin-sharp script, great visuals and marvellous soundtrack all combined to make for some rivetting viewing. Unusually these days the script made the female characters as strong and as malevolently flawed as the men. You won't find any female victims or martyrs in Bloindersland, for sure.<br />
<br />
Speaking of which two well made if ultimately formulaic cop dramas centered on socipathic killers being sought by female head honcho cops - <i>The Fall</i> and <i>Happy Valley</i> - both relied on the usual misogynistic and stereotypical roles, where the women are either victims of brutal assault, or martyrs to violent men, or, as heads of drama these days seem to demand, preferably both.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
Strangely the most violent of the two was written by a woman. <i>Happy Valley</i> looked like it started with Sally Wainwright staring at a blank Word document and writing in bold, font size 20, centered and caps lock on...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS!!</span></b> </div>
<br />
...and worked her way downhill from there. The show had a general downer on men, with all the male characters being weak at best, and this was compounded by far more vicious misogynistic violence than was strictly necessary to tell what was actually a well acted and a decent if familiar cop/psycho story. All in all, a ghastly and nasty piece of TV.<br />
<br />
<i>The Fall</i> at least redeemed itself partly by making Gillian Anderson's misandrist steely eyed copper as calculating and cold as her sociopathic nemesis, and was the better of the two despite its telegraphed predictable ending.<br />
<br />
Both those two I dipped in and out of, but two more series I paid full attention to were <i>Fargo</i> and <i>Utopia</i>. <i>Fargo </i>was the TV remake of the film, which I've never seen, so I can't say how it compares. Although it was a vehicle for Martin Freeman, who did a sterling job as the henpecked hubby who snapped, that being only the start of his decline, there can be no question that Billy Bob Thornton stole the show as the psychopathic Lorne Malvo. Rarely is comedy as dark as this.<br />
<br />
The second series of <i>Utopia</i> arrived. For those not familiar, <i>Utopia</i> is a quite bonkers "us and them, us on the run" construct with the promise of possible armageddon, all fried in Leary's finest acid. Filmed like the director was trying to show the world as a synaethesia sufferer sees it, and allied to a very surreal script, it made for hyper-real and edgy TV - progressive TV, if you will!<br />
<br />
Right, that's it...time for a hangover-absorbent lunch... Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-54213834932602221192014-10-24T19:08:00.001+01:002014-10-25T16:25:48.962+01:00The politics of ignoranceToday's headline-grabbing burst of Newspeak centered around the annual EU budget adjustment that sees the UK having to stump up a staggering £1.7bn by the end of the month, or Barroso's sending the boys round. This announcement sees the majority of the nation howling in rage in typical knee-jerk fashion at the unjust nature of the out of control EU monster.<br />
<br />
But...hang on a minute. This is an annual adjustment, which means it happens every year...yes, really. In some years past we have received refunds, just as in some years we have made payments. Barroso, being a seasoned Brussels apparatchik has made the public announcement of this frankly staggering amount that our Treasury must have known about for months for one reason and one reason only - David Dipshit Cameron. A man who continues to dig himself into a deeper and deeper hole, and a man who conversely is the only serious threat from the UK to the Brussels status quo.<br />
<br />
There is a by-election coming up that the Tories are desperate not to lose to the beer'n'fags myopic little Englanders (and they're the liberal wing) who constitute UKIP. By announcing that the UK must pay £1.7bn yesterday, or Liz will find her favourite horse's head where Phil The Greek should be in her bed, Barroso is feeding on the knee-jerk reactions that the majority of the UK are prone to in these situations, thereby making the Tories chances of winning that seat much less than they otherwise would have been. Not that it's difficult, but the Eton chancer has more than met his match in Barroso, for sure.<br />
<br />
Now, I do not consider myself particularly intelligent, but the second I heard this headline on BBC Breakfast I thought there must be more to this than meets the eye. Ten minutes of research will confirm that in the past we've had refunds from the annual adjustment. You didn't see Camerong wringing his hands in liberal guilt and suggesting we give our refund to Spain or Greece, who obviously needed it more, did you? Obviously, spending ten minutes on the internet finding out what lies behind the headline before mouthing off in the manner of an ignoramus is too much for most people.<br />
<br />
Yes, the amount is way too much when you consider it amounts to a fifth of our entire net annual contribution. Its esoteric calculation, that includes estimates of the amount made in our black economy, is yet another example of the excessive and blundering bureaucracy at the heart of EU being its main failing point, but the principal behind it is right, the richer nations should support those not doing so well. Trying to square that with giving France and Germany rebates takes more than a bit of swallowing it has to be said. Why not scrap all this adjustment nonsense and have fixed budgets?<br />
...<br />
<br />
The way the BBC reported this on tonight's Six'O'Clock News was a tad disappointing. They got it right up to the point where they explained the UK's annual EU contribution, which, if I remember correctly was £8.3bn. The logical thing to have followed that with was "...and Germany contributes £xbn, and France £xbn". Instead, the £8.3bn is left hanging there in the minds of the wilfully ignorant like a maniacally grinning bile magnet. Fail.<br />
...<br />
<br />
I'm not finished yet, oh no. The reason we have to make this extra payment is because, relative to all the other economies in the EU, we are growing at a much faster rate. All well and good, but I don't feel any better off now than I did six years ago, how about you?<br />
<br />
Of course the only reason our economy is doing so well on paper is down to growing employment rates that are almost exclusively the result of Multinat Corp Inc (based in Luxembourg, thereby getting away with paying no tax on their profits here, natch) being able to employ vast numbers at minimum wage rates. This is what makes the UK so attractive to immigrants, not just from outside the EU, but from within it as well. To a lot of these people, these shit jobs at shit wages represent a nirvana that their home countries cannot supply.<br />
<br />
Immigration per sé is not the problem, although you would have to be a Guardian-reading Tarquin or Jemina living in splendid Brit-only white-only isolation in the Cotswolds not to have noticed that the sheer numbers coming in have got out of hand. No, the problem is that since THAT BLOODY WOMAN successive governments of both colours have continued at a pace with the deregulation she started in 1979 to the point where it is for all intents and purposes irreversible. Wages are suppressed to the bare minimum and unions have become an irrelevance with absolutely no power to stop the continual draining of money and resources from the general population to the elite. This laissez-faire attitude towards the control of capitalism's excesses and the resultant boom in poorly paid jobs is what attracts the immigrants from their poverty stricken countries of origin, and who can blame them?<br />
<br />
As for "they come over here and live off benefits they've not contributed to", well, that too is an almighty red herring of convenience for the right wing. Again, ten minutes of research will tell you that the amount of immigrants fraudulently claiming benefits is a tiny proportion of the whole.<br />
<br />
As I said, I do not consider myself brain-dazzlingly intelligent, so if I can do the research if only to confirm what my political instincts tell me anyway, why can't anyone else?<br />
...<br />
<br />
<br />
Now, time to put another cat picture up. Have a nice weekend.<br />
Roger McNasty <br />
<br />
<br />Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-55695930809605347492014-05-17T11:05:00.000+01:002014-05-17T11:05:47.125+01:00Stupidland<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Mornin' peeps...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">eBay, despite being weighted far too much in favour of the buyer is nonetheless very useful for gettring rid of accumulated clutter. Just lately I've sold a keyboard, a guitar amp, a hi-fi amp, and a CD player. As these are all bulky items they were all listed as "Collection Only", and all four items were duly picked up from chez moi by the buyers. One guy even came all the way down from Cheshire!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It seems however, that people who read books are not capable of assimilating the simple instruction "COLLECTION ONLY" - now stated in capitals for extra clarity. B and I are decluttering some of our book collection. I am selling the Game of Thrones box set (7 blockbusters in a box), and B is selling the True Blood box set plus 6 other True Blood books, some hardback, as a job lot.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Again, as these are bulky items they are clearly marked "COLLECTION ONLY". That has probably sunk in by now, eh? The other instruction to note is "cash on collection only, please". The other day I get an email from eBay telling me I had sold the GoT box set...Woohoo!...briefly. The buyer had ignored my instruction to pay cash on collection and paid by Paypal, and I am more than slightly perturbed that the buyer resides in West Lothian, Scotland. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The next day she sends me this delightful message "hello,
i ordered the game of thrones book box set and didnt realise it was a
pick-up from northhampton, there is no way i can ever pick the books up,
so i would like my money back please" (sic, a lot). Note the indignant tone, as if it's my fault she didn't read the instructions properly, or indeed, at all. Of course, I wanted to reply along the lines of "Yes, of course I will refund your money, no problem. Next time open your bloody eyes and read the fucking instructions, ya daft bint", and I did...but omitting the last sentence, diplomat that I am.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">After that I re-listed the Got sale and amended the other sale currently running with "COLLECTION ONLY" now in the sale heading as well as in the instructions. This morning I get this priceless piece of stupidity in my eBay inbox "Are you sending to Estonia? If yes, then how much will it cost? And from Estonia I can pay for the goods only with paypal". I am still composing my reply...does anyone know how long donkeys have to stay in quarantine at customs in this country? He can send the cart on by FedEx, no problem.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: normal;">By the way if any of you fine folk are interested, here are those two auctions. Send me a message and I'll take them off eBay, and, don't forget YOU HAVE TO COME AND GET THEM... :)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/A-Game-of-Thrones-The-Complete-Box-Set-of-All-7-Books-COLLECTION-ONLY-/291146941886?pt=Fiction&hash=item43c9b5c5be">Game of Thrones books</a></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/291143926288?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649">True Blood books</a></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">...</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It would be remiss of me to exclude myself from the stupid-o-meter, and I will now lay myself open to ritual humiliation. Most of you will know that B has gone through treatment for a serious illness, and now all is well as she is well down the road to recovery. The two of us need a break, so I headed off to Expedia and booked a week in Jersey, just the ticket. The only direct flight from Birmingham leaves at daft-o-o'clock in the morning so I took the more civilised option that leaves in the afternoon. This one flies to Jersey via Guernsey. In the flight details I notice that the turnaround in Guernsey is only 15 minutes.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Sez me to B "How on earth are we supposed to get off one plane, collect our luggage, and get on another in 15 bloody minutes?"... </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In the yoof vernacular that is a massive fail, is it not? Have no fear, I did award myself fuckwit of the day for that one!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">...</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I can't find me slippers, I think they must be in the fridge...see ya</span></span> Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-24009780183054641832014-04-05T09:58:00.000+01:002014-04-05T10:05:04.382+01:00Chicken HammockI'm only posting this here in order to blow the cobwebs off Brouhaha, a blog that is in danger of ossifying I've neglected it so much...<br />
<br />
Bugbears of Modern Life #12: The Delivery Window<br />
<br />
You know the kind of thing: "Thank you for ordering our Orgone Accumulator from us here at The General Synod. It will be delivered by our couriers, Surly Truckers Ltd. Now please choose a delivery window 8am-12noon, 12noon-4pm, 4pm-8pm" so you have to hang around for the allotted 4 hours waiting for the thing to turn up. As we live in Warehouse Central, that usually means right at the beginning or end of the window.<br />
<br />
Last week I ordered a new mobile phone from that nice Indian company, Virgin Mobile. The usual message about delivery, but get this; have you ever come across a delivery window that runs from 7am to 9pm? That's not a window, it's a bleedin' yawning chasm. Donning my never far away Victor Meldrew persona, I'm straight on the phone to Mumbai. Yes, I know it won't do any good, but it might make me feel better.<br />
<br />
Having torn "Julie" off a strip for the ludicrous time gulf offered by Satnav Dichotomy Ltd, she attempted to placate me with "Well, they will send you a text before delivery", which is something I suppose. It's not her fault, so I apologise for being an arse and hang up.<br />
<br />
They better not send me a text at 6:45am, I'm thinking, and this morning I do get a text, but at a far more civilised 8:07am. The text said "Your goods have been dispatched"...can you guess what's coming?..."they will be with you before 9pm".<br />
...<br />
<br />
The Trip to Italy was rather good. Loads of self-referential humour, but Coogan and Brydon carry it off brilliantly. Particularly liked the Michael Caine impression competition, and the Batman pisstake.<br />
...<br />
<br />
While we're on telly, it's all a bit shit really. I probably spend half the time I did a couple of years ago watching The Box. Daftest thing I'm watching at the moment is an ultra convoluted Norwegian suspense drama by the name of Mammon, on More 4, another channel with "4" in its name getting into Scandi-dramas. Why is it that so much stuff is coming out of that strangely wonderful part of the world? I suppose when it goes dark for most of the winter, you either have sex or write, and industrial strength contraception aside, as there doesn't seem to be a Scandinavian population explosion, it must be the keyboard tapping that takes up their time. Or seal punching.<br />
...<br />
<br />
Tomorrow sees my team's biggest game of the season. Win it and we are in the driving seat for 4th place in the Premiership and qualification for the preliminary rounds of the Champions' League. I added that apostrophe, being a grammar nerd, admittedly one who seems incapable of spotting his own mishtakes.<br />
<br />
As Everton have a habit of bottling big games, most annoyingly against their lovable neighbours, I very much doubt we will win, aside from the more logical footballing factors, which I will not bore you with here. Of course, you're not allowed to put such heresy into words on fan sites, they accuse you of being negative rather than the pragmatic beastie that you are. They wouldn't understand "pragmatic" anyway. In the few months I've been a member of the Everton Facebook group I've quickly learned to dumb down my language, as my first posts saw accusations of "poncey words", and of me being a "posh cunt". I should realise by now that showing that you actually paid attention in class is a heinous crime in this fuckwitted country of ours. These same dumbasses think that having "belief" and "faith" is enough to outplay a team that spend more on haircare products than we do on wages.<br />
<br />
Even if we did win, and by a series of miracles thereafter eventually finish 4th, you can guarantee that "The Shite" as they are affectionately known, would steal our thunder (again) by winning the bloody thing. We'd never hear the last of it. Come on, Citeh! <br />
...<br />
<br />
Haha...the word "blog" is not in blogger's spellchecker!<br />
...<br />
<br />
Your window has now closed.Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-83748443127866574862013-09-28T11:20:00.001+01:002013-09-29T11:17:41.240+01:00Sowing The Seeds Of Obsession - A BeginningHe powered down the central hub for the weekend, locked the pod, and made his way down the long flight of stairs to the exit. By the street door and lying on the floor was a small envelope. He picked it up, turned it over to inspect it, but found no indication of its origin; indeed, there was no writing or typed text on it at all. He opened the envelope and inside was a small key and a handwritten note. "You will need this when you arrive home" was the sum of its content.<br />
<br />
Deposited at the city transport hub at the top of his street, he walked on down to the entrance to his block. Taking the opportunity to forgo the lift he ascended the three flights of stairs at speed, the only exercise he got all day in the week, and, breathing hard he arrived at his door. He passed the keycard through the lock and stepped into the hallway.<br />
<br />
When he walked into the living space, there it was. He approached it with a mild curiosity. Viewed from the left side it appeared to be orange. He noticed that changed as he looked at it from different angles. It spoke to him without a voice. He sat down cross-legged in front of it and stared deeply at it. He was aware that a passage of time had passed as a faintly gnawing hunger eventually forced him to leave it and make his way to the kitchen. As soon as he opened the fridge door he realised he was missing it already. Hurriedly, he grabbed a bottle of beer, opened it and threw together a cold meat sandwich, and then rushed back to the living space fearing it would be gone.<br />
<br />
It was still there. He resumed his position of supplication, this time at a different angle, to see if another perspective would be illuminating. Again it tugged at his soul. He was compelled to pick it up, and passing it from one one hand to the other he noticed it was warm to the touch in one hand, icy cold in the other. After an indeterminate while he put it down and saw a slit in one face of it.<br />
<br />
Then he remembered the key. He rushed to the coat stand by the front door where he had hung his jacket, seemingly in another era. He retrieved the envelope, tore it open and extracted the key, while running back to the living space. He sat back down in front of it. The slit was no longer there. Panic rose through the very core of his being. His heart rate was increasing alarmingly. He picked it up again in his left hand and it stung like a thousand wasps, but he could not let go. Shaking with the pain that had subsumed his fear, he discovered that simply by transferring it to his right hand, all the pain went away. He put it down and the slit was there again.<br />
<br />
Gingerly, but knowing it had to be done, he inserted the key. He could not recall turning the key, but he was suddenly filled with a surge of joyous wonderment as everything was revealed in its stark beauty.<br />
<br />
Days later, he told his psychepractor "I remember very little, but I know it took a long long time. And when it was over, it had really only just begun".<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">...there may be more...but then again, there may not...</span></i> Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-2353089851717917912013-08-09T10:42:00.000+01:002013-08-09T10:42:47.794+01:00Anesthetise me, now...Gawd, was 90s UK indie music dull, or what?<br />
<br />
We found this out, or rather had long forgotten memories of "meh" rekindled last night. You remember the Malt Shovel Music Quiz on Monday, the quiz that never was? Well, The Fucktard Brothers and P went to the damn thing on the correct night last night.<br />
<br />
The quiz is hosted by a shambling tribute to every Working Men's Club MC there ever was, and his soma-inducing style has in the past made us say that we would never go to one of his quizzes again. But that was General Knowledge, this is Music, so what have we got to lose? Three hours of our lives we'll never see again, that's what. To think we paid £2 per person for the privilege, too!<br />
<br />
We started off well enough, playing our Joker (meaning double points) on the first round, a musical general knowledge thang where we got ten out of ten. The next round, a missing words from titles of tunes thing, we got eight out ten. So far so good, although we were already struggling to stay awake, to the point where round three, the place where our rapid decline started in earnest, has been entirely erased from our my memory already...ah...got it; food related song titles and artist names...or was that round two?<br />
<br />
Anyway, this third round we scored a miserable four out of ten. Then....music, at last! The first of two rounds, played from a cassette deck (no, really) was name the musical from the tune. None of us know much about musicals, but I'm not complaining, specialist rounds are to be expected, and it gives teams lagging in other areas the chance to catch up. I believe we got four of them.<br />
<br />
The last of the two actual music rounds was "Groups". That sounds a bit more like it we thought. It wasn't anything like it at all. Trying to identify a group from a too short snippet of a song, cut short before any hookline comes round, is difficult enough. This is compounded when all the groups concerned were taken from the same genre, and mostly from the same time period. My opening sentence says it all. One dreary Razorlight was followed by another ennui-inducing Starsailor, to the point where IT ALL SOUNDED THE SAME.<br />
<br />
Two points illustrate the sheer anodyne whiny vapidity of it all. One - standing out like a stream of bat's piss when all around is dark was a song by The Verve, taken from their recent utterly forgettable Fourth album. At least this one ventured outside the 90s. Two - we failed to identify Bonio's dulcet tones on a U2 song near the end, because by then we wanted to bite the MC's face off.<br />
<br />
And, yes, had the round been twenty second cut-outs of prog rock classics, I'd probably have got them all, but it would honestly give me no pleasure to watch everyone else in the room becoming more and more pissed off. <br />
<br />
If you're going to do a Groups round, by all means bung in one or two highly eclectic tunes to sort the men from the boys, but making most of it unrecognisable by leaving out hooklines of songs unknown to most in the room is pointless. Vary the genre for fucks sake, and throw in a few popular things that most will know, otherwise folk will just lose interest and not come back again. More than one team left before the end.<br />
<br />
This may read like sour grapes because we didn't win, but coming third in an enjoyable and involving quiz would have been no problem at all, believe me. This was about as enjoyable as being forced to listen to an endless loop tape of prosaic and dishwater-grey UK indie....err...<br />
<br />
Out of the eight or so teams present only half got more than half marks. We came third with 80 points out of a possible 120, there being two points per correct answer. The winners got 86. <br />
<br />
Wombat Omnishambles will not be returning to a Malt Shovel quiz of any variety while it is hosted by this sack of lard who is to quizzes what Hot Spot is proving to be to cricket. Worse than useless. Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-40329746314819549472013-08-06T18:58:00.000+01:002013-08-06T19:03:05.981+01:00Wastes Of Space in Time Travelling OmnishamblesA 30 minute programme to announce the new Dr Who? I know TV schedules are poor in the summer, but come on; this makes Countryfile look like must-see TV. Good result though!<br />
<br />
This was inevitable, and you've probably seen it already, but it's worth repeating: . <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/5Blf073f2Lc" width="520"></iframe><br />
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Ooh...sweary! I have often thought of hanging a sign in my office that reads "Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off" :)<br />
...<br />
<br />
Spam scams from Nigeria, land the morally suspect opportunist, have not really changed much over the years, but "Harry Black wants to give you part of his Lottery winnings as charity" did make me laugh. If anyone falls for that, they deserve to have their bank account raided until it is sore.<br />
...<br />
<br />
Butterflies are magnificent and beautiful creatures as well as performing an important role as pollinators. Apparently due to a combination of successive appalling summers and the increase in pesticides they have been suffering a rapid decline in recent years. This year however, the budlea outside my office window has been swarming with large and small whites, peacocks and tortoiseshells in particular. It must be down to the glorious summer we are having, for once.<br />
<br />
There is a <a href="http://butterfly-conservation.org/50/identify-a-butterfly.html">National Butterfly Count</a> here in the UK this year, so my stats have been winged (ouch) off. However, holding a count in a rare example of a "proper" summer may well give skewed results, methinks.<br />
...<br />
<br />
Talking of wastes of space...<br />
<br />
Last Thursday while stood in the bar of the very fine drinking establishment that is The Malt Shovel, Phill and I cast our eyes over an advert for their Music Quiz the following week. We thought we'd give it a go, having never experienced a quiz of the musical variety in this venue, and so this Monday, Phill, P and I turned up all expectant, and probably wassname.<br />
<br />
Monday was the 5th of August. On reading the same advert again, it said, clearly too, the quiz was on Thursday 8th of August. Considering I'm an accountant (allegedly) it seems I can no longer read numbers. Phill has just set up a publishing company where he is, amongst other things, editor-in-chief. It seems he can't read words.<br />
<br />
The conclusion is that we are each 50% of an idiot. P was by turns exasperated and amused at our thorough uselessness. :)<br />
...<br />
<br />
I met a record collecting legend today. Back in the late 60s and early 70s there were many UK bands without record labels who made private pressings of albums that were either given away or sold to their usually very localised and very small fan bases. The print runs were never more than 99 copies to avoid Purchase Tax, the forerunner of VAT. All of these have been collectable over the years, but the jewel in the crown, for no discernable logical reason, other than it looked and sounded great, is Dark Round The Edges by Shoesville's very own Dark.<br />
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<br />
The album has recently been given a deluxe reissue, and Dark's guitarist Steve Giles, who some of you who reside in these parts may remember as the Giles in Giles Photography of years gone by, visited my office today and loaned me some examples of the new lavishly tooled reissue for a soon come review by moi in my other guise as the very pale reflection of Lester Bangs. Steve's a lovely bloke; we chatted about all things Dark, and I even managed to correctly guess the street name from the photograph on the front cover (see above), taken in Steve's then living room. First guess, too! A prize of an unripened banana to any Shoesville residents who can do the same.<br />
<br />
The review will either be on DPRP or Astounded by Sound! in the hopefully not too distant future, if any of you read that nonsense.<br />
...<br />
<br />
England 2 English weather 1 Aussies 0 - Ashes retained. Wahey!<br />
...Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-87985107434722744092013-07-25T21:46:00.002+01:002013-07-25T22:57:15.434+01:00"No, it's my pet bishop"Some pictures...<br />
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Is it my grubby little mind, or...how the blazes did this get past Advertising Standards? Mucky girl!<br />
...<br />
<br />
On the day of the birth of Prince George Anaconda Flange-Triptych D'Steel Wheels Windsor-Battenburgcake or whatever the tyke's name is, I along with what I suspect was actually a majority of the populace were more than slightly annoyed at the meeja feeding frenzy over this non-event, and took little or no notice. I did laugh when they referred to "The crowds outside Buckingham Palace", which must have numbered...ooh...tens. <br />
<br />
Entering into the spirit of the occasion, starting early in the morning on the day of the Second Coming, I posted a trio of bon mots informing the world (well, my 14 friends on Farcebook, at any rate) that there was a "Woman, Pregnant", and later a "Woman still pregnant", and when finally the Goddamn Miracle Of The Gilded Getoutofmyfuckingsightyouuselesswasteofspace Shouting At Husband Spectacular happeneth; "Woman gives birth", elaborated with "Ginger afterbirth eats nurse!" This is of course essential information that everyone must be endlessly informed of until they die of ennui....zzzz....<br />
<br />
It seems no less than lawyer's friend Mr Ian Hislop has nicked my joke, judging by this billboard, snapped yesterday.<br />
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<br />
As someone has already said to me; try and sue him, just try! :)<br />
<br />
Now, let's be clear on this, I'm no Republican, as it is fairly self-evident that The Royle Family bring in more in tourist income alone than the £40m or so they cost the public purse every year. Just ask any Japanese or American tourist, at least those over 40, or in other words, the ones with the money, why they're in London, and I guarantee you one of the items on The Itinerary is to go and gawp at Jim Royle in Buck House so they can send the pics home of Uncle Jim-Bob keeping his over-stuffed gut out of profile in front of said Victorian pile. I will admit there probably aren't many Japanese blokes called Jim-Bob, and why they seem equally obsessed with our bunch of undeserving privileged Germans is beyond me, given that they have their own version of royalty and attendant daft outmoded class system back home.<br />
<br />
Digression is my middle name...no, I ain't no Republican, but the saturation coverage given to this rather common natural phenomenon was enough to get me to seriously consider joining the ranks of the revolutionaries, until some bloke fronting a Republican group appeared on BBC Breakfast to rightly criticise the Beeb's OTT coverage. I have never seen such a determined miserablist, well, not since I saw Joy Division at a wrist slicing ceremony in Accrington in 1978, at any rate. What do these dour sods do for fun one wonders?<br />
...<br />
<br />
It's a summer of sporting triumph for Team GB (especially the Siff Iffricun branch). Dull Scottish bloke wins tennis match, which was actually rather good considering how he stuffed the favourite against probably even his own expectations. The British & Irish Lions won a dwarf-throwing competition Down Under. It's always good to stuff the Aussies, especially on their own turf, but I paid no attention, as Rugger is a sport that breeds indifference in me like no other.<br />
<br />
Then we had another Afro-Brit, this time Kenyan by way of a Siff Iffricun education, winning Le Tour in spectacular fashion. And, he did it on a bicycle, would you believe! <br />
<br />
Of course, the real action is ongoing with our stolen Siff Iffricuns showing those Aussies how it's done (again) in the crikit. Having appropriated some of South Africa's finest sporting talent as our own, it is ironic that the real tests of how good we are both at rugby and cricket will probably come when we play...South Africa!<br />
<br />
Oh, and we didn't win The Open Golf wassname, but golf is merely a right wing talking shop and an excuse for a piss up that is only played by odious salesmen and middle management types, masquerading as a sport, and of course a waste of good countryside, so I care not a jot.<br />
...<br />
<br />
It's no longer unbearably hot, so I'm off to put some clothes on and clean that nasty stain off the carpet.<br />
...<br />
<br />
Finally, finally...I know most of you consider, perhaps rightly, who knows, that most of the music I bang on about in my other list of scribblings is akin to a choir of Ornette Colemans playing kazoos, but if you like yer rawk, you cannot fail to like this righteous racket. If you do find this unpleasant you really need to take your ears to the doctors...<br />
<br />
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Ifangyewandgudnite.....Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-71182323388184981142013-05-18T16:30:00.000+01:002013-05-18T16:30:51.008+01:00Hops are good for the brainLast night the light switch in our kitchen broke, it had been on its way out for some time. After purchasing the replacement double switch from the local DIY emporium I struggled to make any sense of the minimalistic wiring diagram included. You see, the switch that fell apart was archaic, and probably made of bakelite. And its internal structure was completely different to that of the new replacement.<br />
<br />
After much head scratching i managed to get one of the two sets of kitchen lights working, and figured I'd have to take up the offer from my upstanding next door neighbour, qualified spark, and all-round decent bloke that he is, to fit the thing for me.<br />
<br />
However before that a trip to the pub was in the offing to watch the Cobblers get utterly humiliated at Wemberlee by Bratft City FC. Two pints later and half way through the second half we leave the Cobblers 3-0 down and without a prayer.<br />
<br />
On arriving home I looked at the cryptic wiring diagram again and had a "What if?" moment. Whereas pre-beer I would have been loathe to try it in case I fused the house, post-beer it was no problem. The "What if?" moment proved to be the solution and now both sets of kitchen lights work fine (he says, touching wood and looking for black cats).<br />
<br />
Proof, if any were needed, that beer is good.<br />
...<br />
<br />
On the way to our local independent DIY shop, that goes by the name of "24 hour party people DIY" (not), as I shambled along the residential street that runs parallel to the main drag where said emporium is located, walking towards me were two very smartly dressed young men, probably in their twenties, one of whom was holding a bunch of leaflets.<br />
<br />
Yes, they were indeed Jehova's Witnesses, and as we met one says to me "Good morning sir, have you heard the word of the Lord?" Now, not being the sharpest knife in the drawer where instant repartee is concerned, I normally would have said "No", and walked off.<br />
<br />
But, apropos of nowt at all I quipped "What? Jon Lord has given rise to a religion already? Well, in that case all I can say is I much prefer the Mark 2 version, and In Rock was a classic album." The two chaps look at each other nonplussed, and crossed the road to avoid me as fast as their little legs would carry them without actually running.<br />
...<br />
<br />
When I arrive at the DIY shop I am greeted with the sight of marketing genius at work. In order to compete with the DIY superstores the small local shop has to be a bit creative.<br />
<br />
Your average DIYer in the UK is a bloke, and probably over 40. What do 40 plus year-old blokes like? No, not that you dirty minded reprobates...beer! To the left of the counter is a display showing evety type of bottled ale currently produced by local micro brewery Nobbys. Of course I bought some, but only the one bottle. I was only buying a light switch after all, and as I said to the man behind the counter it would probably be unwise to go home to the wife having spent more on beer than on the object of the shopping trip!<br />
<br />
Marketing genius though, don't you think?<br />
...<br />
<br />
On the way home from the shop I passed a Polish couple obviously in love, holding hands and talking animatedly to each other of their nuptial plans...or not, as I couldn't understand a word. The thing that made me notice them was that he was wafer thin, almost translucent, whereas she was really quite fat. It was almost as if she had siphoned all the phat out of him.<br />
<br />
I'll get me coat...<br />
...<br />
<br />
This has been brought to you by the sheer power of believing really hard...and Harvest Pale and Copper Dragon, and as such may well be full of grammar and spelling errors. So be it.Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-250146102200134382013-05-16T11:35:00.003+01:002013-05-16T12:10:24.061+01:00Universally ChallengedThings we learned at the Lamplighter pub quiz last night:<br />
<br />
1. "Stinkfoot" is not a brand of camel.<br />
2. The collective noun for arseholes could well be "a pucker".<br />
3. Adopting a thick Yorkshire accent and regaling the nearest young lady with "Ey-oop darlin'...are you into t'Canterbury scene?" might not work as a chat-up line.<br />
4. Daft Punk are terrible, gay or not.<br />
5. £41 - see, those doubts and misgivings were entirely wrong.<br />
6. This morning, a slight headache.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPF9IzHX5MQAAsqbgPQlmA9YyH8UazUveF_Wi3LCMnUT5aUmg2nrszS8VnIS1PgpJoV9sxzUbs_AueDu9OAe2UcV6SHuFI2O3e4XP5dsi4735Bek7-124itpJgQ9OHv3Rj0Bhk1mMHQFk/s1600/camel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPF9IzHX5MQAAsqbgPQlmA9YyH8UazUveF_Wi3LCMnUT5aUmg2nrszS8VnIS1PgpJoV9sxzUbs_AueDu9OAe2UcV6SHuFI2O3e4XP5dsi4735Bek7-124itpJgQ9OHv3Rj0Bhk1mMHQFk/s400/camel.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">"It's no use getting haughty with me Alan, your feet do smell baaad...and tell Steve to get his head out of yer arse"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
This has been brought to you while munching on a crab paste sandwich.</div>
<br />
<br />Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-86667615383511129442013-05-08T18:39:00.003+01:002013-05-08T19:07:13.627+01:00Ridiculous notions of superiority<span style="font-family: inherit;">Last night I watched episode 1 of series 9 (Jeez, that's about 7 too many!) of The Apprentice. Not because I wanted to, but because I read that the Radio Times would publish a review of it from the pile sent in by midday the following day (today) by us obsessive viewers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So while it was on I banged out this nonsense:</span><i><b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> </span></span></b></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">T</span><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">he A</span></b><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">pprentice has become a tad stale and predictable over the last couple
of series, as year on year the contestants have become more and more
clichéd, and these days seem to be mere ciphers rather than real people.</span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The
repulsively shark-like Stella English and her failed bid to part Lord Sugar (to me he is still mere “Srallan”) from some more of his loose change in
return for no discernible effort on her part summed up how self-serving
these attention-seeking meeja whore wannabes had become.</span></b></i></span></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The
franchise has gone from being comedy gold to veering between either
repulsive or boring TV, and as a result I found myself not lasting more
than a few episodes of the last series. Of course, what drives this show
is the contestants, and whether or not we like or loathe them enough to
continue watching to the finale, and to that end, what does the line-up
for this new 9th series promise?</span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Will Srallan’s bullshit detector pick up on gems like “I take inspiration
from Napoleon”, or “I’m half machine, half biscuit” or "I have plastic tits and the brain of Einstein" or "I will do felching, if he wants" or “I will do anything to win;
cheating, manipulating, mass killing, I will do it”? Predictably enough he told the
guy who came up with the Napoleon line that he would be his Wellington. <i>(Ed's (that's me, too) note - some of these quotes may have been embellished slightly, and one of them may well be entirely fictitious)</i> </span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Watching
this new preening bunch of neatly tailored and over manicured products of the system striding
across the Millennium Bridge like so many surplus catalogue models one could almost
smell the pungent aroma of too much shower gel wafting across the
Thames, and out of the TV. Yeuch, I’m feeling queasy already.</span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">And
so to the first task; split into two teams each have a shipping
container full of “imported goods” (low end consumer goods and tat) to
shift, the one who sells the most wins. All a bit Del Boy, doncha think?
The boys’ team leader is Jason, who describes himself as having an
intelligence “like a machete in the jungle”, my first LOL
moment of the programme. The too quick by half to volunteer Jaz is the
girls’ leader, who seems so effervescent she’s in danger of going off at
any moment like an over-excited bottle of Bolly.</span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">A
lot of the girls this time look more like hairdressers or failed models
than business women, although I’m sure they’d bite my head off for
suggesting that they may, at some point in their careers, use their
sexuality to get on in life. There's folk in here with real jobs, too, believe it or not; we have Jaz the teacher, Leah is a
doctor (what of I know not, but I assume medicine) who unfortunately is cursed with a really
annoying adenoidal nasal voice, and yes, she looks like a hairdresser.
Imagine being told you've got 5 days to live by a female Donald Duck with hair extensions. Jaz does not look like a hairdresser, she just looks like she needs one, with a pile of wild corkscrew hair
flailing about, wild and untamed, a bit like its owner<b>, </b>Scary Spice</span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> reinvented.</span><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> </span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">There’s
some odd looking fellas too, Alex from Cardiff having been christened
Dracula by a teammate, and not unfairly it has to be said. Fair play to
the guy, he does make the first sale, and before breakfast, too. That's what the undead can do nowadays, beat you to closing a deal. There's another guy whose name escapes me who looks like he has a Mr Whippy (that's an ice cream, ya mucky pups) on his head.</span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Amongst the tat to sell was a job lot of loo roll, which Alex helpfully informed a potential customer was "not used", my second and final LOL interlude. After
the usual bout of rushing about, shouting over one another and </span></b><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">wielding large mobiles like light sabres, and some comically poor leadership and infighting from both
sides it’s time to head back to The Boardroom, which, as we all know,
is as fake as Uzma’s tan. The girls have called themselves “Salon”, the
guys “Spanner”...if only, No, it was the more prosaic “Evolve” for the
girls and “Endeavour” for the blokes.</span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The
guys go straight for each other’s throats, probably not advisable when
Alex is in the room. Jason was hopelessly ineffectual though, and
deserved to be slapped down. The girls were slightly more united<i><b>.</b></i> </span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The
guys won the task by £58, and the gals retired to the greasy spoon to
swap lipstick tips. I had hoped Srallan </span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">would</span><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">n’t fire Jaz as she seem</span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">ed</span><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> to
have more personality than about half the rest of her team combined, and
she ha</span></b>s<b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> very scary hair, as I may have mentioned. However, as a leader
she didn’t have much clue, including starting off with a cliché ridden motivational speech, her charges staring at her gormlessly. She even took her part of the team to Chinatown to
sell the ornamental lucky cat, the sort you see in Chinese restaurants up and down the land, at 9am. It was of course, closed - priceless.</span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Sugar
homes in on the hopeless sellers in the team, and eventually Jaz brings
back Sophie and Uzma. The leader attempts to steamroller the other two
who seem to be the female equivalent of all mouth and no trousers,
particularly Sophie who sold nowt, but looks cute, so Srallan kept her. Uzma did enough in the task to save herself, which meant the chop (suey) for Jaz...boo, hiss...so one
good character and one good reason to watch again is already gone.
Ho-hum.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> </span></b></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Will
I stick with it? Possibly, particularly as in tonight's ep</span></b></i><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-size: small;">isode the teams have to come up with a new flavoured beer and sell it to pubs<span style="font-size: small;">, guaranteed to get me shouting at the TV I reckon. However</span></span></span><i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> I very much doubt I’ll watch</span></b><i><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> the whole series o</span></i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">n this
showing. It’s high time this tired old series is given its golden carriage
clock if you ask me.</span></b></i></span></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">After re-reading that I was aware it would need a bit of editing before I could send it to the Radio Times, but not to the extent I realised upon finding out that they wanted 150 words max! 150 words! Blimey, some of my convoluted sentences are longer than that. Anyway I somehow manged it and a severely truncated and toned down version winged its way off late last night, no doubt to be ignored by the powers that be at RT. The things I do for this writing lark!</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> </span></span><i><b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><i> </i></span></i></span></b></i>Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-66266996747294004472013-04-23T18:54:00.000+01:002013-04-23T18:54:29.975+01:00Behind you!My conspiracy radar went into maximum twitch mode this morning when the news on BBC Breakfast informed me that Canadian authorities had arrested two guys who were planning to bomb a passenger train en route from Toronto to New York. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police (the image of bomb-waving terrorists being arrested by some blokes in bright red on horseback crosses my mind and makes me smile) admitted that their plan, such as it was, had barely got beyond the "What if?" stage, or at least that's the impression you got from reading between the lines. Good on the Canucks, you may rightly think, they've shown the FBI how it's done and actually nipped an atrocity in the bud.<br />
<br />
Then they have to go and spoil it by suggesting connections to that handy terrorist suspect coverall, Al and his Quaedas, an not just that, but the I-ran branch. I have long suspected that while there may be an organisation of that name, the word "organisation" is in itself highly questionable. More like a bunch of extremists who all like the idea of blowing up a few Westerners now and then, who occasionally meet in cafés to drink very strong green tea and smoke the pipe and rant at each other about the Yankee infidel through their beards.<br />
<br />
Back in the USA the FBI are, or it seems were, as they've gone very quiet on the subject, desperately trying to link those two bastards in Boston to AQ, or at least they were before they were caught. Once it turned out their suspects were a) beardless and b) white they knew that they were probably looking at home-grown nutcases. The gnarled old cynic in me would suggest that the Yanks are praying that the suspect who survived pegs it in hospital, for, once both of them are brown bread, they can link them to whoever they please with no comeback.<br />
<br />
Also, have you noticed how American nutjobs who gun down school children are never linked to AQ, oh no, they're just lone wolves that no amount of gun control would stop, at least not while the NRA are paying for the Senators' holidays. On the other hand as soon as anything explosive and larger than a bullet is involved, it must be the fault of those pesky Islamists.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I've drifted off topic slightly. Not only do the Mounties link it to AQ, but AQ "in Iran", a country with no known connections to AQ, and a country where the Yankee military-industrial complex sees the next killing, literal and metaphorical, being made. Yeah, let's leave North Korea alone, they might actually cause us some damage should we invade, but I-ran? Bring it on! Yeah, right, whoop, whoop. It's called "preparing the ground" and if they repeat these spurious allegations enough times they'll convince themselves it's true. It worked in I-raq, did it not?<br />
<br />
You can almost smell the testosterone from here, and that's just Hilary Clinton. Thank gawd for John Kerry that's all I can say.<br />
...<br />
<br />
I have a t-shirt that bears the legend "Twatter - because no-one wants to know what you had for breakfast", an article of clothing I can no longer wear in public as I've joined the ranks of Twits, hypocrite that I am! Purely for promotional purposes you understand, as it is indeed true that folk do seem to like telling each other what they had for breakfast. What is that all about?<br />
<br />
The promo thing is for my music scribblings and I'll hold my hands up and admit it actually seems to work.<br />
...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguWxIALOrHuBOx4j4MTREtRV15ztg9HfPD1tHMnfuAIV_uxBoRZYdCGtp-w2Oumhc5_hL2fhiUzFiGuy0HErDgshj8DyM5Ur62-TsCK-oQcUsMqNM2GQtzHUTj3nyPHLsod4cBYIa5ick/s1600/Rat+boy+bites.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguWxIALOrHuBOx4j4MTREtRV15ztg9HfPD1tHMnfuAIV_uxBoRZYdCGtp-w2Oumhc5_hL2fhiUzFiGuy0HErDgshj8DyM5Ur62-TsCK-oQcUsMqNM2GQtzHUTj3nyPHLsod4cBYIa5ick/s400/Rat+boy+bites.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do not feed the animal</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-77776078977535470032013-04-07T10:32:00.000+01:002013-04-07T11:45:27.171+01:00Sorry about yesterday, let's start again...Firstly apologies for yesterday's dull nonsense! This is what I should have written about...<br />
<br />
On the eve of Good Friday, Phill and I ventured to The Lamplighter for their Easter Beer Festival. <a href="http://farkynell2.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/500.html">Phill has already described this in great detail</a>, but, like him, as soon as we arrived a righteous need to get really quite drunk descended on this ne'er-do-well.<br />
<br />
If you've not read Phill's report, and you really should, three pints in the charming Zoe joined us. She would have liked to have joined us physically too, as her description to me in French of what she would like to see happen to us made all too clear.<br />
<br />
Me, I understand enough Fran<span class="st">ç</span>ais to glean the words "wet", "lick", "hard" and a few others depicting various states of moisture and erectness. The fact the plural form of "you" was used made it obvious that she wanted us both at once.<br />
<br />
Flattering as it may have been to have been on the receiving end of some "draguer par une nanette" who was less than half my age, it was also mildly terrifying for this settled old boy! Appropriately given the language used, and despite having no desire to go for a pee, having a bladder the size of a small planet, I took the French option, and ran away...to the loo.<br />
<br />
Being somewhat inebriated, after a few seconds of standing in front of the urinal with nowt happening, I momentarily forgot why I was in the gents, wondering why I was standing there, JT in hand with diddly happening. A lovely visage, I'm sure!<br />
<br />
Then I remembered so I stood there some more. Phill claims I was in there for three hours, but, if you know him, he is somewhat prone to exaggeration. It was probably only two.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyX11C4onpnA9kEmpNzHPFoNC-lmuH5Lb-5WOPCUPCYeRE2sxRK0ix-EAWxgP8_aqeb2qFa9Pc9CE-yRyEQZjwz9U3E_DtEeAHgYxymxzQkDvz_kFDrXdP8GIFjnic0BHWer9tpYACgWI/s1600/Lamplighter+280313.1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyX11C4onpnA9kEmpNzHPFoNC-lmuH5Lb-5WOPCUPCYeRE2sxRK0ix-EAWxgP8_aqeb2qFa9Pc9CE-yRyEQZjwz9U3E_DtEeAHgYxymxzQkDvz_kFDrXdP8GIFjnic0BHWer9tpYACgWI/s320/Lamplighter+280313.1.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's older than me, you know...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Of course, the best bit of the evening was Zoe thinking I was three years younger than him, and that he looked like Rick Mayall. Deny it as he might, he does, although less so as he gets older I'll admit, he's more like Albert Steptoe now. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizmjhYHpQ58JaaElv09juLoxb_TBEttUvChhn_h-UxG8KRCwjYvuP-6qhqx4uZSM_OkVBr_FcSB9n-5-yJIjEUddIJs1HtRWjLWUqlrhA53_wDJi2S6YyWztnOB7MjQugG2PQxTfMJ7YU/s1600/Lamplighter+280313.2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizmjhYHpQ58JaaElv09juLoxb_TBEttUvChhn_h-UxG8KRCwjYvuP-6qhqx4uZSM_OkVBr_FcSB9n-5-yJIjEUddIJs1HtRWjLWUqlrhA53_wDJi2S6YyWztnOB7MjQugG2PQxTfMJ7YU/s320/Lamplighter+280313.2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">" 'Arrold, do I keep me teeth in?"</td></tr>
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Pished though I may have been, I kept my wits about me enough to stop Zoe having Phill taking any pics of me and her!<br />
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It was all rather a good laugh, I have to say. :)Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8869447999501160049.post-21919556539440477192013-04-06T15:33:00.000+01:002013-04-06T15:33:17.808+01:00Mowing for ColbertToday I mowed the lawns of Burwood Towers for the first time this year, as, for the first time in what seems like forever the freezing Easterly wind that has sent temperatures plummeting to well below average for ages finally abated to become merely a chill breeze.<br />
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After the mow came a lounge about in the sun, sat on the bench at the bottom of the garden. When the breeze slowed to barely perceptible levels the temperature in the sun was, ooh, all of 14C, a good 10C higher than it's been for a long time, and very welcome, too. <br />
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While sitting there basking something felt wrong, and I soon realised that it was up there, in the sky. The prevailing wind direction in this country is from the South West, which means that while sat on said bench you can gaze up at the clouds and mostly watch them going straight up the garden towards the house. Sitting as we are under this interminable region of high pressure that was centred over Scanddinavia and now sits on top of us results in looking up at the sky and seeing clouds coming at you from the North. All quite odd indeed.<br />
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It's all down to that pesky jetstream buggering off to Spain for the winter. No doubt it will be sat over us in a couple of months, or the monsoon season as it is now known. Can we have our summers back, please?<br />
...<br />
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Today is also Grand National day, and those nice people at Sky gave me a free £10 bet which I invested wisely/wasted each way on Colbert Station, ridden by AP McCoy. That's £58.20/£10 to spend on beer/I never missed in the first place, then. <i>Delete as appropriate after the race is run.</i><br />
<i>...</i><br />
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Our council, the glorious institution that is the NBC, or No Bollocks Continuously, has entered into a PFI with Balfour Beatty in order to erect some rather groovy new street lighting in out area. This probably means we will all be paying for it for many years through our Council Tax. But, looking on the bright (arf!) side, gone are those scourges of all urban areas that illuminate with that awful palid orange glow, and in their place are some low energy white light monsters, twice the height of the previous incumbents.<br />
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B and I have been watching the progress of their construction with increased bewilderment. Work started in the week before Easter and in the first two or three days, all the holes were dug, the new poles erected, the old ones dug out...and then nothing until yesterday, when the old ones were switched off and the new ones switched on.<br />
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There is no sign yet of the old ones being taken away, we will wait to see if this happens as indeed it should, strange working patterns notwithstanding.<br />
...<br />
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There's a County Council election coming up. As I get older I have become increasingly alienated from mainstream politics, as all three main parties pay lip service to the electorate, seeing only power as the goal. This sad state of affairs is probably even more pronounced at local level, as councils of all sizes have always attracted little Napoleons in droves. Suffice to say I will be voting Independent if there is one or Green if there isn't. We're all going to die.<br />
<br />Roger Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735262800454812153noreply@blogger.com0