Who Killed Archie Mitchell?

Archie Mitchell – Going That Extra Mile

The country’s most miserablist TV programme is coming up to its long awaited 25th anniversary live show tomorrow, where the bloke or bird “wot dun it” will be revealed.

Cards on the table here, I do not actually like Eastenders very much, as it is populated by every form of low life amoral scumbag known to man, and seems to glorify said detritus at the expense of characters with some (any) moral fibre. Give me Corry any day of the week. Having said that I will watch Friday’s episode as much to see who fluffs their lines (wooden Max is my likely culprit) or if any of the props fall over (I’m old enough to remember Crossroads).


The suspects “wot might ‘ave dun it”, in the Queen Vic, with the bust of Queen Victoria that sat on the bar –

Phil Mitchell

You can hear his knuckles dragging along the floor before you can see him, so Neanderthal is this alcoholic mummy’s boy. Bites the heads off kittens for breakfast. As a suspect a little too obvious perhaps, but a man who has killed before.


Janine Butcher

A woman so morally repugnant flies would think twice before landing on her. Ugly as sin too. Has convinced herself (or has she?) that she luvved Archie, a man three times her age she hoped to marry in order to share in his unexplained fortune. My guess is he ran Walford’s white slave trade in the 60s after giving suitable backhanders to local thugs Doug & Dinsdale Piranha.

Certainly has the motive as Archie threw her out on the street having got what he wanted from her. No, I don’t want to think about that either.


Peggy Mitchell

Matriarch of the chief clan of scumbags, uses deadly nightshade as a mouthwash. Actually had more reason than most to off Archibald as he stole her pub from her. Also leaving the series this year, so she is my favourite suspect.


Ronnie Mitchell

Deranged daughter of Archie, has a face like a dolphin. Yes, completely irrelevant I know but needed saying. Again has the motive, as her lovable dad once persuaded her that the baby she gave up for adoption as a teenager had died! Yes there are no depths that Archie would not plumb in order to satisfy his psychotic urges.

For the rest of their lives together Archie treated Ronnie like dirt, lavishing all his attention on her sister, the lovable but incredibly dim Roxy, a woman named after the sleaziest music venue I have ever seen, and I’ve seen a few. Kind of appropriate really!

Actually, as I write this, it seems that Ronnie must be the scriptwriters’ red herring. We shall see.


Bradley Branning

Nice but disappointingly dim Bradley, a man who escaped from the purgatory that is Walford to Canada BUT CAME BACK! He probably deserves to be guilty just for that fact. Punched Archie’s lights out on the night of the murder after he found out that Archie had sired his fiancé’s as yet unborn child, by way of rape. Lovely bloke, Archie!

Bradley is probably too wet to ‘ave dun it though. Strange fact about Bradley – although he is 28ish, he has never shaved.


Ian Beale

A man who has never left Walford, and leaves a slime trail after him when he walks. So oleaginous is Beale that you can imagine him walking through a Dickens novel rubbing his hands together going “we are so very ‘umble we forge the chains that we wear” – oh hang on someone’s already done that.

Was in the Queen Vic on the night of the murder in order to steal a laptop that contained a recording of him and Janine (pass the sick bag, Alice) going at it like rats in a sewer. He needed to do this because he had just got back together with his estranged wife Jane, and rather than confess to a rather small misdemeanour, chose to try and hide it. Incidentally, I can’t think of a character flaw to pin on Jane, so maybe she dun it guv. Now that would be an anti-climax.

Ian Beale is a spineless piece of crap, so he definitely didn’t do it. Janine has already tried to pin it on him after a blackmail attempt went wrong, and failed.



Minor suspects –


Max Branning

Bradley’s dad. Shagged Bradley’s girlfriend a few months back, and ripped off half the locals in an insurance scam. Needs to be shot, but didn’t do it.


Jack Branning

Max’s brother and ex copper. Has probably been planting evidence to frame Janine thus removing his nephew Bradley from the frame. Too smooth by half, shags all the Mitchell women, probably at the same time. Needs a good slap.


Denise Johnson

No way a suspect, but absolutely gorgeous. We need to see more of her!

The bizarre machinations of football administrators

With the suggestion being floated that the 4th place in the Premier League (PL), which currently gets your team in the Champions League (CL) qualifying round the follwing season, be thrown open to a play off to teams down to 7th place, would Liverpool fans see this as a convenient way to arrest their team's current slide into mid-table mediocrity?
My conspiracy radar see this as an attempt by the PL to ensure that the current "Sky 4" can maintain their stranglehold on football's most lucrative competition, and thus ensure the vast numbers of overseas supporters, and one uses the term loosely, of these clubs, particularly in Asia, continue to spend their TV buck thus keeping the gravy train a-rollin' along.
How so you may ask? Well, this play off for the 4th CL spot could be played with two-legged games, with the 4th team (say Man City) playing the 7th team (say Everton) and the 5th v 6th (Liverpool & Spurs). Now, of those teams, who has by far the most experience at home and away ties? Yup, that's right, good old Liverpool with their vast hordes of Far Eastern support. It seems to me that in the event of one of the "Sky 4" finishing outside the top 4 they get another bite at a cherry in which they have the vastly superior experience.
In any event do we really need more games crammed in to an already bursting calendar? Not to mention what happens when there is a World Cup or European Championship being contested in the summer. The national managers will be even more at loggerheads with the club bosses.
All in all a daft idea, no doubt dreamt up to a) give a failing big 4 side another chance, and b) to milk even more dosh from the cracked udders of the cash cow!