Obstensibly footy based, but not really....
....well, it will be winter over there.
Yes folks, that four yearly feast of footy when Ingerland fans chew their fingernails to the quick until the inevitable elimnation on penalties in the quater finals is nearly upon us.
What are our chances? Well, our FIFA ranking of 7th seems about right to me, which of course means, just for a change, a quarter final!
Let's have a look at what in all probability, barring serious injury or sexual indiscretions, or a combination of both in the interim, will be our starting eleven when we charge out on the 12th June at the Royal Bafokeng Stadium in Rustenburg for a tricky encounter against the USA.
Goalkeeper - "Robson" Green. Not been able to get any work lately as a Geordie nice guy, so has turned to his second love, keeping goal. Cries a lot.
Left back - Ashley Cole Porter. Well endowed singer-songwriter who has taken Kiss Me Kate to ridiculous extremes. Likes counting his stash'o'ocash.
Right back - Gary Neville Neville Neville. One of the ugly & semi-famous Neville Brothers who had a couple of hits in the 80s. Well past his sell by date.
Centre backs -
Rio Ferdinand - Rio.1 is actually a the soul of Duran Duran songwriter Nick Rhodes trapped in a robot, which was designed to churn out hit singles for his band by regurgitating the same tune in an infinite variety of speeds and keys. It is planned to have a large hole inserted in its upper lip so it can better see where it's going. Prone to narcolepsy.
John Terry McCann - Team thug and minder to manager Fabio "Peter Grant" Capello, John was brought up by wolves on the Isle of Dogs. Goes a bit strange under a full moon. Eats razorblades for breakfast. Once got into trouble for "carrying on" with the former girlfriend of former team mate Wayne Where's That Confounded (former) Bridge. John's ambition is to run a llama farm in Essex, whilst knitting like a clunge.
Midfield -
Stevie Me & Fat Frank, or The Chuckle Brothers, are the unfunny comedy duo of the team, whose "to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to the opposition" antics are the bane of Fabio "Peter Grant" Capello's existence. Also, although thought to be gay lovers, Stevie & Frank hate each other with a passion. Fabio is losing patience with the pair and is rumoured to be replacing one or other with 7 year old boy genius James "Spotty" Milner, but his mum won't let young Jimmy out of her sight.
Gareth John Barry - When not composing grandiose film scores, John loves nothing more than to see if he can hit the right corner flag from somewhere on the left wing. He gets VERY annoyed when one of the opposition, or even worse, one of his team mates gets in the way.
The right wing spot is occupied by a clever cloning device that would have produced three identical players had it not been for John Terry McCann beating the inventor Steven Hawking to death at a crucial point in the machine's gestation, after a row about who was paying for the lap dancers. However, it did manage to come up with:
SWP.1 - SWP, so named for his extreme left wing views, gets very confused stuck out on the right wing and frequently makes a bee line for the left side of pitch where he feels far more at home. Unfortunately he often forgets to pass the ball to anyone.
Aaron Cynthia Lennon.1 - Runs like a gurrl.
Theo Walcott.1 - So named for his addiction to lollipops. At only 5 years old, Theo is the youngest member of the squad. In a famous incident at the Emirates stadium, once received the ball on the halfway line, ran stupendously fast up the right wing, out of the stadium, up onto the North Circular, the M1, the M6, M74....he was last seen boarding an Icelandic fishing trawler in Wick.
Forwards -
John Wayne Rooney - This grizzled maestro has been shootin' 'em dead for years and can often be seen getting into heated political debates with SWP.1, who is always quick to remind Wayne of his treacherous switch of allegiance from the left wing People's Club to the right wing Free Market Old Trafford Alliance in the 1930s. Whatever you do, don't call him Marion.
Jermaine "Colin" Defoe - No, that is his real name, honestly!
Inevitable substitute -
Saint Peter Crouch - With legs 4.7m long, St Peter breathes the rarified air of heaven, but his arms are only 50cm long, and so he has to go into painful contortions simply to put his shorts on. If he scores in the final he has threatened to break into his famous "rhumba" style dance with dance partner Aaron Cynthia Lennon, who dances like a gurrl.
Enforcer -
Fabio "Peter Grant" Capello - The ex-mafia boss takes no prisoners. Once overheard outside Wemberlee Stadium to a stall holder ".....if I come-a back here and-a find you still-a sell those bootleg Ingerlund t-shirts, I break-a your legs, and-a feed your children to John Terry McCann"
Ambassador -
Sir David of Beckham - with his impeccable good looks and mastery of the English language, Sir David, and his thin wife, are sure to seal the fate of World Cup 2018, which after much soul searching by Herr Adolf Blatter will be awarded to Kyrgyzstan, the new tiger economy of Eastern Europe, or possibly Central Asia. England are next scheduled to host the competition in 1966.
Thank you & goodnight!
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