Yes, it's probably far too early to be doing this as significant transfers are no doubt to come, but I can't resist! May have to update nearer to 14th August...
Earwigo again. The annual 9 month circus of overpaid egomania that is the English Premier League kicks off on Saturday 14th August, a mere 5 and a bit weeks away, so it's time for some predictions. Ordered in last season's placings, with my shot at their 2010/11 possible finishing place, here are the 20 teams that make up the so called best league in the world - I'm still suffering from post World Cup cynicism as you might guess!
1. Chelsea (2) - Ancelotti does not seem to have made much progress yet in refreshing the ageing squad, but there's no doubting the quality. Could win it again but will be vying with Man Utd for 2nd imo.
2. Manchester United (3) - Ferguson will probably buy a striker or attacking midfielder to relieve the pressure on Wazza, and they still have a decent squad but maybe not quite good enough to win it. Fergie will not hang up his hairdryer until they win that ellusive 19th title.
3. Arsenal (4) - Will no doubt flatter to deceive again. If they manage to keep hold of Fabregas and Van Persie should finish at least 4th, otherwise will be the team the next tier will have their eye on to replace. Can see Wenger retiring at the end of the season.
4. Tottenham Hotspur (5). The main reason I'm writing out team names in full - love that name! Didn't they buy Roy Race from Melchester Rovers in 1964? Will be doing very well to replicate last season's 4th what with the added pressures of European football. As per usual, might win a cup - no, not the big one, one of ours!
5. Manchester City (1). My big gamble to win it. If, and it's a big one, Mancini can get his ever increasing band of mercenaries playing as a team there should be no stopping them. If not, he'll likely be sacked by Xmas, then gawd knows what might happen. Another candidate to win one of our cups.
6. Aston Villa (8). Whether or not they hold on to Milner I can't see them improving on last year's place. Will lose games that they should win on paper, probably against Wolves for starters.
7 Liverpool (6). Even with one or more of Torres/Gerrard/Mascherano gone I can still see Roy Hodgson doing better than that oaf Benitez. Will spend all the cash found down the back of the sofa to buy Roy a Learn Spanish In A Day book and a Scouse/English dictionary.
8 Everton (7). With the tea lady multi-tasking as head of ticket sales and centre forward, resources will be as stretched as ever. Had their best chance in 5 years last season to finish above Liverpool but wuz robbed by decimating injuries in the first part of the season. Now Liverpool have a far better manager than last time, can't see them doing it this year either. Outside chance of Europa League qualification if first choice 11 readily available, and if the rampant speculation that half the team is off to new pastures proves to be false!
9 Birmingham City (9). We've now reached the mid-table doldrums, where Alex McLeish's boys will probably stay. Owners might get itchy feet with the dour Scot and sack him. then anything could happen.
10 Blackburn (14). Still locked together with Stoke in the table. Meat & potatoes with gravy.
11 Stoke City (13) Still locked together with Blackburn in the table. Fish & chips with mushy peas. And a long throw in.
12 Fulham (15). Will struggle without the wisdom of the Hodgson. It's a surprise to me that Al-Fayed has stuck with them for so long. Mind you, now he's sold the corner shop he's not got owt else to do these days has he?
13 Sunderland (10). I expect an improvement on last year's poor finish. Capable of upsets. Ugliest manager in the league. Will be their best season for a long time as far as the Mackems are concerned, as they easily beat Newcastle home and away.
14 Bolton Wanderers (R19). Expect some more dire floodlight endangering hoofball from the team of giants. High time they were found out.
15 Wolverhampton Wanderers (12). Aye lad, 'appen to be long lost Yorkshire enclave in t'slag heaps of County Mayo, from whence Michael McCarthy licked road clean w'tongue afore a breakfast of Guinness and tripe. Or somesuch. Decent manager with average team will improve due to failings of nearest rivals. Expect at least one victory over Villa.
16 Wigan Athletic (16). The mercurial Roberto Martinez pits his wits against egomaniacal owner Dave Whelan and loses, team go into freefall (again) narrowly avoiding relegation (again). Appropriately, Whelan owns a company that makes pies.
17 West Ham United (11). Avram Grant is the right choice to steady the ship and with managerial stability will improve, probably more than any other team. However if owners get twitchy same as last year.
Promoted as Championship winners - Newcastle United (17). The new slimmed down Newcastle arrive. Do their fans still hold the ridiculous expectations they've had in the past? One suspects not. Toss up between them, Bolton and Wigan as to who gets the remaining relegation place.
Promoted as Championship runners-up - West Bromwich Albion (R18). Yo-yo club will bounce straight back down again. Dour, and possibly dire.
Promoted as Championship play-off winners - Blackpool (R20). Oh dear. Whipping boys I'm afraid, but at least we'll have the lovably barmy Ian Holloway to look forward to on MotD, along with many shots of deckchairs, windblown chip wrappers on the sea front, stag parties, hen nights....and seagulls.
First manager to be sacked - Mancini or Martinez.
King of Comedy - Ian Holloway
Big fish in small pond - Stevie G
New England manager after disastrous start to Euro 2012 qualifiers - 'Appy 'Arry.
Final prediction - Inter Milan finish outside Champions League places in Serie A after new manager is sacked half way through the season due to baffling tactics, strange substitutions, poor signings, stubborness to the point of stupidity and constant blame placing. And whinging. And a silly beard.
Non sequitur - Karen Gillan eats my shorts. And why not?
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